FrattingHard.com

It should be fairly clear as to why luxury vehicles have a place in our fratty vehicles countdown. Everyone knows that on a college campus, nothing says, “my family can buy and sell your family,” like one of the finer luxury automobiles. For this countdown, we decided to group a large collection of luxury vehicles together because there is not much of a fratological difference between an Audi, BMW, Mercedes-Benz, Infiniti, Lexus, etc. We are mainly discussing vehicles manufactured by companies that our government does not have an equity stake in; therefore, a fully loaded Buick Rendezvous or similar vehicle is not part of this countdown.

This entry also does not include a couple of different types of vehicles that are indeed fratty, but are not practical to the typical undergraduate fratter. First, large luxury SUV’s, such as the Lexus LX 470, are post-grad fratty. These are used to haul fratlings, not pledges. That is why God created the Frathoe. You can graduate to the luxury level after you walk across the stage, get a ring on your finger, and/or have one cooking in the oven. Next, vehicles that are at the top of the line or exotics, such as the Mercedes-Benz S600, BMW 7-Series, Ferrari’s, Bentley’s, etc., are for successful post-grad fratters. In the frat life, you should go through the hierarchy of vehicles, not just hop in a Ferrari at age sixteen. Again, that does not mean those vehicles are not fratty. There is just a time and place for them after fratting hard as an undergraduate.

That leads us to what is included in this fratty countdown. The two primary categories are fratty luxury cars and fratty luxury SUV’s. Cars are acceptable for fratdaddies and sorostitutes. However, the SUV’s are only for sorostitutes. No fratdaddy should be making frat laps in an M-Class; this is not because the car is inherently not fratty, but rather reflects the fact that there are frattier (and more utilitarian) SUV choices for the fratdaddy. Obviously, a Frathoe is better for hauling the boat and “camping” trips than a BMW.

These vehicles are fratty for several reasons, with the first obviously being the luxury aspect. There is nothing like using heated seats to “toast your buns” on the way home from the bar and using the factory GPS system so you can actually find your way home from the bar. Also, the price tags of these vehicles, while not the most expensive, still prices out GDI’s and reminds them that they are too poor to be frat everytime they see one on campus. Finally, these vehicles carry almost instant frat credibility. If you spot someone behind the wheel of a vehicle in this countdown, then you do not have to wonder, “if they are in a fraternity or sorority,” but “what fraternity or sorority.” In conclusion, if you want to frat hard on wheels, then you cannot go GDI with one of the vehicles that would qualify under this countdown.

Popularity: 58% [?]

Chevrolet Silverado z71 Truck

We decided to go with the z71 in this spot, but to be honest the real selection here is the more general category of any full sized pickup truck, and F-150 could just as easily be pictured in this spot.

The full sized truck bears several advantages for its fratdaddy owner.  First of all, be honest, ladies…you love the truck.  You will find that many sorostitutes, especially those from south of the Mason-Dixon Line, have an almost innate attraction to a vehicle that has an actual component called “the bed.”  Coincidence?  We think not.  Pull up to her sorority house beside the GDI in his Corolla who is there to pick up his Plan C Triple Legacy Had-to-Take-Her-Because-Nationals-Told-Us-To girlfriend, and the projection is clear.  You are showing masculinity and confidence…he is showing a douchesque worry about fuel mileage.

This brings us to another point:  fuel economy.  As we mentioned with the Ford Bronco, these trucks drink gas like you drink Fratty Lite while pregaming on Thursday night.  Be sure to rev your engine at redlights whenever you pull up next to a hybrid…someone has to make up for the gas he is saving.

What dropped the full sized truck down to #4 on the list?  Unfortunately, this venerable vehicle has been hijacked…literally…by a number of trying too hard douchebags.  By “hijacked”, I mean they jack the car high in the air, put on monster truck tires and, Frat Gods forbid, fill the back windshields up with stickers that they perceive to be fratty (if you’re wearing Costas, we see they’re Costas…take at least 6 of the 17 Costas stickers on your car off).  If you actually take your truck off-road, a respectable off-road package is fine.  If you break out in a cold sweat if you accidentally hit gravel, don’t make your truck look like this:

As we always say, though, when GDI’s try to usurp fratty territory, we don’t give an inch.  Keep your truck smaller than Gravedigger, and consider taking your z71 and your sorostitute of choice on a “camping trip”…tent not required.

Popularity: 27% [?]

Back in the summertime, before abusing our livers throughout fourteen weeks of college football, we ran a website poll to determine what the next Institute of Fratology fratty countdown should be.  Fratty vehicles emerged as the victor, rising above such stiff competition as fratty star wars characters and fratty frisbees.  We begin our countdown with the fifth frattiest vehicle, the Ford Bronco.

You are probably asking yourself, “Ford Bronco?  WTF?”  Your initial knee-jerk interrogative would be understanding, but after a more in-depth analysis, you will realize why the Bronco is among the frattiest of vehicles.

Unlike the fratty vehicles to follow in this countdown, the Bronco does not have an aesthetically pleasing design, an expensive price tag, or the moxie to reel in a sorostitute on a frat lap.  What the Bronco does have is destructibility, meaning that you can tear it to pieces and nobody would care to see it go.  If you accidentally lose the Bronco after fratting a little to hard, accidentally total the Bronco after driving it through the Frat Castle, or accidentally blow up the Bronco during an afternoon of casual hazing, then you are only out a Kelly Blue Book retail value of $53.46, a/k/a one handle of Wild Turkey 101.

However, destructibility is not the only feature the Bronco has in its corner.  Government testing shows that the Bronco only gets 7 miles per gallon on the highway and 4 miles per gallon in the city.  That satisfies the Institute of Fratology requirement that a fratty sport utility vehicle must be under 8 miles per gallon because a fratdaddy needs every excuse possible to go to the gas station for more alcohol and tabacco products.

Finally, the Bronco has many pro-fratdaddy convenience features.  The bed can store 103 cases of your favorite adult beverages, mulitple pledges, or a black glove covered in blood.  So if you’re going to load up at the liquor store, head out for a night of debauchery, or try to outrun the LAPD, then the Ford Bronco is the fratty vehicle for you.

Popularity: unranked [?]