Lesson 1 
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When you think about fratting hard, what activities come to mind? Going out to bars, parties at the house, shacking…all of these are staples of living the frat life. However, just like a profession, being an elite fratdaddy or sorostitute requires one to learn to constantly expand one’s horizons. Many professionals are required to attend “continuing education” programs to make sure that what they first learned about their job is not the end of what they know. Similarly, you should always be on ready and able to incorporate activities into your fratty repertoire that will enable you to frat at an even higher level. Up to this point, we have included lessons in Fratting 101 (which are introductory fratting lessons) and Post-Grad Fratting 501 (graduate level studies for those fratdaddies/sorostitutes with college degrees). Today is the first lesson in the class Fratty Activities 301; you now know a good bit about how to frat, and now it’s time to make fratting hard your major.
The first fratty activity we will explore is one that will benefit you not only in college, but for the rest of your life. Part of being a fratdaddy/sorostitute is learning how to enjoy the finer things in life. Although you should never set aside your love of frat water or bourbon and coke, you should also be knowledgeable about those alcoholic beverages that you will be imbibing in situations that are more formal than the average bar crawl or band party. We are speaking, of course, of the substance that wealthy individuals have been fratting since the start of civilization: wine.
How much do you know about wine? Any sorority pledge can go to the local grocery store, buy a box of Franzia, and take it to a band party to loosen up for a night of acting like a frat potato. However, this is not indicative of the wine knowledge you will need to truly impress those around you. When you go to a fine dining establishment, you don’t want to be the guy that embarrasses the table by ordering Yellow Tail with your steak and lobster. How do you avoid this faux pas? There’s only one way to make sure this never happens to you: become a true wine connoisseur.
The best way to learn about wines is to find a local establishment that offers periodic wine tastings. These can be found at wine stores, restaurants, country clubs, or other fratty environments. The benefits of wine tastings are multiple. First, they will expose you to many different brand names and wine varieties that you simply will not find behind the counter at your local convenience store. Also, they will be hosted by wine experts that make their knowledge available for your absorption. Tap these valuable resources to take your wine purchasing ability to the next level; be that fratdaddy that takes frat tabbing to a new level when you order a bottle of 1992 Bordeaux after your friends order their dates the cheapest White Zinfandel on the wine list. Remember: you can’t frat tab when you’re ordering the house wine. Recently, your professors were almost asked to leave a restaurant after their order of a 1996 Chateau de Sales caused the gelheaded waiter to run out of the room to avoid a messy head explosion.
Keep in mind, cheap wines do have their place in your fratmosphere. When you’re buying wine in bulk for girls at keg parties and other decidedly informal situations, feel free to get some of the more popular mass produced brands at your local grocery store. Like so many other parts of frat life, wine is all about knowing what to do in different situations. Of course, if you are buying wine for a party at your own residence, there is no excuse for not taking this outstanding frat tabbing opportunity to introduce your guests to premium fruits of the vine.
In conclusion, increasing your wine palate will simultaneously increase your fratitude. Part of being a lifelong fratdaddy is melding a funloving lifestyle with sophistication. Increasing your wine knowledge is a vital part of this process.
In honor of the end of The Masters, one of the frattiest sporting events ever conceived by man, we will further examine yet another activity that has long given fratdaddies (and sometimes, sorostitutes) ample opportunity to flex their frat-muscles in a joint exercise of fratting hard and engaging in athletic competition.
When we analyze an activity to determine it’s frattiness, we look mainly at three factors (which we call, “The Country Club Test”). The Country Club Test’s three prongs are as follows: (1) the expense associated with the activity, (2) the atmosphere in which the activity is promulgated, and (3) propensity of the activity to lead to other opportunities to frat hard. Rarely does an activity pass all three prongs with an A+, but golf cruises through this test like it had the answers from the frat castle test bank.
First, golf gives you an excellent opportunity to frat tab. Even more important, the prices and membership fees at respectable courses and clubs price-out douchebaggery. If these fees don’t have you frat-tabbing enough, don’t worry: there is ample opportunity to show how hard you frat in the pro shop. Golf clothes (which in themselves are fratty), clubs, bags, and balls can, and should, run your frat tab up into the thousands.
Second, there are few frattier atmospheres than a golf course, especially if it is located at the local country club. These locales give you the opportunity to take your sorostitute to the club where she will play tennis while you get in 18 holes and then drink several bourbon and cokes in the clubhouse. Later, after steak and lobster from the club restaurant, you can look back at the day and rest easy knowing that you fratted hard literally all day.
Finally, golf is as activity that is both fratty in itself and also breeds other fratty situations. While at the club, a future young professional will have many networking opportunities with older members of the club. What better way to set up a bright post-grad fratting future than by making important connections with business executives over some frat water after a round on the course? Also, never forget…more business deals are brokered on the links than in the boardroom. Since the corner offices of so many corporations and firms are inhabited by fratdaddies, always remember that your ability to frat hard at the golf course will pay off in both your level of fratitude and your ever rising bank statement.
There comes a time in the young fratdaddy’s life when he decides to settle down with his sorostitute of choice and start a long and prosperous life of post-grad fratting. You may not have reached this point yet, as you are still enjoying the single life of nightly bar hopping and plentiful shacking. However, this does not mean that you cannot enjoy many of the benefits of wedding season without the added responsibility of actually having to support a family. In fact, this time of year breeds many opportunities to put on your suit, frat hard for free, and then head back to your normal life. Wedding season is upon us, and with it comes the chance to frat weddings so hard that it would make Vince Vaughn go home in shame. In this lesson, we will examine how you can turn every wedding invitation that hits your mailbox into yet another chance to exercise your frat glad.
The Date: Most wedding invitations you will receive will include the magic words, “and guest.” Nothing gets a sorostitute nearing the end of her college career in a shacking mood like seeing a couple committed to shacking for life. This is not the opportunity to grab some freshman arm candy; instead, you will look for a mature sorostitute to accompany you while you frat hard at the reception…you’ll have a great date, and she’ll have dreams of receiving her MRS degree. Beware, however, of dates that read too much into your invitation. To avoid this, we advise taking a different date to every wedding on your calendar if possible.
The Outfit: Often times you may struggle for opportunities in undergrad to show off your more formal frat attire. Wedding season gives you plenty of reasons to break out the best suits and ties in your wardrobe, and it provides great practice in piecing together fratty dress ensembles that will one day be your staple in the workplace.
The Reception: Most receptions thrown for fratdaddy/sorostitute unions will feature one of the frattiest party inventions of all time: the open bar. Better yet, the better you know the couple, the more accepted it is to get completely drunktaneous. The open bar also provides great networking opportunities. There are few better ways to smooze with champions of business in your area than to share some stories with them at the reception over a scotch on the rocks. Old fratdaddies love to tell stories about their past frat glories. Keep and open ear and a full glass.
The Bridesmaids: After you get done shaking hands and acting like you’re remembering names at the open bar, you want to scope out how your current date is shaping up. If it has turned out to be a dud, keep an open eye for the chicks in the ugly, expensive, and identical dresses. These are the bridesmaids, who are acting happy, but are dying inside from the fact that their pledge sister made it to the alter before they did. Somebody has to comfort them…it might as well be you. This is especially important when you go attend a wedding that is held at a resort or other location where attendees reserved hotel rooms for the affair.
Of course, another key part of wedding season is the bachelor party, which will be explored in our next Fratty Activity Lesson.
So break out the suit, line up your invitations, and get ready to frat as hard as you would at a fraternity formal. You’ll have a great time, and the free “refreshments” won’t break your frat tab.
With summer winding to a close, many fratdaddies and sorostitutes are taking off for one last weekend trip to the beach before classes commence. Although beach activities such as bronzing on the beach with a cooler of fratwater will no doubt be on the agenda, these last-minute trips are great opportunities to engage in another fratty activity that combines several different fratitude boosters. Deep sea fishing can provide sky-high fratmosphere in several ways: chartered boating, natural bronzing, fratwater consumption, and Jimmy Buffett music on the stereo are all possibilities when you take to the sea to end the lives of some unsuspecting marine life.
While campus GDI’s are rushing to the tanning salon for a fresh orange spray, the fratty deep sea fisherman will be soaking in rays the way the Good Lord intended: on a boat in the middle of the ocean. If you haven’t had a chance to perfect your summer bronze past your forearms and lower legs because you’ve lived on the golf course, this is a chance to make sure that you won’t look like a ghost on the first weekend trip to the lake of the school year.
Of course, there is a way that you can deep sea fish on a budget. Many deep sea fishing charters will allow you to pay a nominal amount to go out with some random people for a day of fishing. This should no doubt be avoided if at all possible. Instead, round up some of your pledge brothers (or sisters) and favored sorostitutes (or fratdaddies) and charter a private vessel for your day on the water. This will ensure that your trip will register as a Category 5 hurricane of fratitude. Ladies, even if you don’t want to fish, this is a prime opportunity for you to work on your tan while kicking back on the high seas with an ice cold fratwater.
Don’t let the trip on the waters be the end of your fratty weekend. First of all, when you get back to port, clean up at your beach house and go celebrate the day’s catch with a fruitful night of frattabbing. Also, most better charter companies will gut and clean whatever you caught during the day. Take advantage of this service, and when you get back to campus you will already have the main ingredient of a great fratio grill out. If you do this, you won’t even need Corona to change the latitude of the first fratio party of the year.
In conclusion, before heading back to campus (or for a weekend trip to celebrate missing your first class of the year) don’t hesitate to pick up a pole and reel in some fish from the deep seas. Think of it as bringing a glimmer of fratitude to their waterlogged lives.
The fratdaddy or sorostitute that is hunting for a vacation destination with high fratmospheric levels are looking for a city with several attributes: luxury accommodations, morally casual laws regarding the intake of libations, and unlimited frattabbing opportunities. When we were pondering these qualities, the first city that came to mind was one that has long been a popular destination for fratty individuals all across the country: New Orleans, Louisiana.
Many southern fraternities have long made New Orleans a prime formal destination, and one reason for this is the numerous luxury hotels that are right in the middle of the French Quarter action. The discerning fratdaddy is looking for a hotel that will put him and his date up in style while still maintaining the party fratmosphere of the Frat Castle. There are numerous New Orleans hotels that live up to this billing. When choosing your Nawlins hotel, there is one virtue that puts some establishments above all others…their balconies that overlook the hallowed French Quarter streets. We dare you to find a frattier location to establish your fratio away from campus.
Of course, what truly makes the French Quarter famous is its numerous bars and “gentleman’s clubs”. Keep in mind, you will be hard pressed to find anything that looks like your campus Greek bar in New Orleans due to the fact that people from all different parts of the country and of all different ages come to enjoy the New Orleans night life. However, we have seen first hand that a determined group of fratdaddies and sorostitutes can walk into almost any bar on Bourbon Street and blow its fratmosphere out the roof. At the same time, you don’t really even need a roof: one of the great things about the New Orleans bars is the ability to get your drinks to go while hopping from spot to spot and enjoying the sites of the street. From Pat O’s, to the Tropical Isle, to the street vendors selling Big Ass Beers, it’s easy to find a place that will suit your needs for the evening. In addition, be sure to treat your sorostitute guests with a visit to one of New Orleans’ fine gentlemen’s clubs. You fratdaddies get a chance to help fund a young lady’s college education by giving her “tuition money”, and the sorostitutes will all feel better about themselves upon leaving.
Pictured Above: The Frat House bar on Bourbon St. No, it’s not fratty, but at least they’re trying.
If any part of the New Orleans social landscape approaches the fame of its bars, it is the numerous 5 star restaurants that are found throughout the city. Whether in the French Quarter or in the Garden District, there are numerous quality dining experiences which represent some of our nation’s finest frattabbing opportunities. There is no better way to start off your evening than by directing your group to Commander’s Palace or Galitoire’s for a meal in one of their private dining rooms. Once there, you should start the evening frattabbing with a premium selection from the wine list. While looking at the menu, the culinary options are often so tantalizing that it is hard to make a decision. When in doubt, we suggest that you order the most expensive thing on the menu. Why? Because you can.
While in New Orleans, we recommend that you visit one of your Professors’ favorite producers of quality fratwater: the Abita brewery in Abita Springs, Louisiana. Visiting a brewery is a less traditional fratty activity that you will enjoy in addition to the more conventional pursuits you will engage in while in New Orleans.
In closing, when looking for a fratty place for a weekend road trip or while planning a formal, perhaps you should look no further than the fratty destination of New Orleans, Louisiana. You’ll never have such a great time while giving back to the effort to restore a national disaster area.
Earlier this month, we explored the complete college football weekend, giving you a cursory glance at all of the most important fratty activities that must be undertaken to make a game week as fratty as possible. Today, we will slice out the most vital part of this chain, gameday itself, and explore, in depth, how to make your stadium’s student section a hodgepodge of hardcore fratting surrounded by a periphery of exploded skulls.
There are two key components to gameday preparation: the attire and the skillfully concealed bourbon. Sneaking bourbon into college football games (if you’re of age, of course) is a tradition that is almost as old as the game itself. However, as time has progressed, many universities have become increasingly cranky about this time honored tradition. To complicate this, many stadium security crews will target fratdaddies and sorostitutes for more in-depth body searches because they know of the prevalence of this act within the Greek community. Like most parts of life, though, we are several steps ahead of the rest of the world. Before we explore this further, let us say a word on attire.
The active fratdaddy has several choices when picking gameday attire. Of course, the traditional white dress shirt with khaki pants and a tie will always do. However, there are options that will allow one to show a little more school spirit while maintaining proper fratty decorum. For early season games, school-color seersucker is always a hit. Solid school color slacks are good choices as well. Many frattier clothiers also offer conservative styled slacks and shorts featuring college mascots and logos. While you would never think of wearing such pants to class or a bar, these are perfectly acceptable at the stadium on gameday. Post-grad fratdaddies will usually take a step down in formality and wear a golf shirt or polo with a conservative university logo. A conservative university baseball cap is also an acceptable accessory, although one should take care to not have a logo on every piece of one’s outfit. For ladies, wear a dress. You know how to dress for football games.
Now, we all know that bourbon and coke is a college football tradition. We also know that bourbon is not sold inside college football stadiums. Therefore, we next move to the correct way of getting the bourbon outside to be the bourbon inside. There are two main containers for football game bourbon: the flexi-flask and the mini.
The hard part is actually getting those containers through the gate. Fortunately, any self respecting fratdaddy will have with him the greatest bourbon transportation vehicle on earth: his date. The most traditional, and, we believe, most entertaining, manner of doing this is taping the flask or minis to your date’s leg. This will get your prized possessions out of the way of any stadium security body search. Another alternative that we have seen is having the sorostitute stuff some minis in the chest area of her dress. This may be a bit riskier, but more blessed sorostitutes can pull it off with ease. Purses are often searched, but if this is the only option, placing the contraband under a protective layer of feminine hygiene products will often get the goods in the gate with no problems.
If your sorostitute is not a good sport (or if you don’t trust her), you may have to sneak it in on your own person. This is most effectively achieved through the art of crotch-stuffing. We’d explain it, but it’s pretty much self explanatory.
Once inside the stadium, you know what to do. Sit with your fraternity brothers, enjoy your contraband libations, make sure you have a mix stick handy at all times, and cheer your team to victory.
When a professional is in school learning his art, he will most often hear the adage, “As soon as you get to your first day in the office, grades will no longer matter.” This is a harsh, but simple, truth: no matter how well you prepare for whatever you’re doing in life, your worth will be judged according to how you perform “in the office.” This analogy applies to one’s fratting hard prowess as well; no matter how much you know about living the fratty lifestyle, you will not be viewed as an expert fratter unless you are able to apply these techniques “in the office.?
That statement begs the question: Where is the expert fratter’s “office”? The answer to this question illustrates why advanced fratting is so complex. In truth, the expert fratter’s office is everywhere he goes. While the basic tenets of fratting hard stay constant no matter where the fratdaddy happens to be, each situation can require subtle nuances that separate the fratstar from the guy that makes people think, “He must be a (insert worst house on campus here).”
One of the most important stages on which a fratdaddy must show his maximum fratitude is the bar. A bar to a fratdaddy is like a courtroom to a lawyer, a surgery room to a doctor, and a “Guitar Hero” tournament to a GDI: it is where they show what they really are and what they’re really able to do. The bar is of utmost importance for several reasons. First of all, unlike a part at the Frat Castle, the bar is not a controlled environment: you have no control over who else is there, what they’re doing, and what’s going on around you. We have observed many misguided fratdaddies that try to behave in a bar exactly like they behave at their own band parties. They ignore the nuances that we mentioned earlier, and thusly do not live up to their fratential. The bar simply requires a more skilled approach to fratting hard…an approach that takes the unpredictable nature of the situation and uses it to your advantage. Also, your behavior in a bar will be undoubtedly used by observant sorostitutes in making comparisons to fratdaddies from other houses in the bar. Showing a lack of bar skills will not only embarrass you personally, but will make your brothers suggest that you go haze yourself with a soldering iron as well. Finally, the true fratstar is able to parlay his knowledge into numerous quality shacking opportunities. Meanwhile, less fortunate fratdaddies who struggle in the bar will be continually relegated to plan E’s who “wasn’t that big.” With the importance of bar skills established, we will now move to some of the do’s and don’ts to remember when you’re going out.
Timing
One of the most important, and most commonly mistaken, keys to a successful bar experience is the timing of when to arrive at the bar and when to leave. Arriving at the bars too early is a classic mark of the douchebag. For education purposes only, go into an otherwise acceptable bar before 10:00 one night; you will observe that the level of douchebaggery within will far exceed anything that you are used to in that particular establishment. When you arrive at the bar, the place should already be well-stocked with first choice sorostitutes. This means that your arrival should come, most likely, no sooner than 11:00 PM. There is little more satisfying than walking into a bar at 12:15, identifying your plan A for the evening, and swooping in and stealing her attention away from a douchebag that has just bought her $30 worth of drinks in a desperate attempt to achieve that which he lacks the fratitude to achieve. When is the correct time to leave the bars? That question has different answers depending on the situation. Of course, you should not hesitate to leave one bar for another in search higher quality sorostitutes or a higher quality situation in general. However, you should not be heading back to the frat castle until you have fully stretched your frat gland; even if you identify and secure your plan A, continue fratting hard as long as you can…until the bars close, if possible. If she just can’t wait, and you feel you are ready for such an advanced fratological procedure, you can go shack, come back to the bars, and then go back and shack again (note: this procedure need not be executed with the same sorostitute).
Buying Sorostitutes Drinks
Most of your true plan A sorostitutes are strangers to actually spending money in a bar. As mentioned above, many of these ladies are the beneficiaries of douchebags who mistakenly believe that they will be able to impress these sorostitutes by scraping together enough cash to throw a couple of amaretto sours down their throats. Unfortunately for them, the highest of high quality sorostitutes have no trouble seeing their ruse, and also have no trouble taking the free drinks. They can also see, however, the difference between these pathetic attempts and the fratty tradition of a fratdaddy frattabbing in the bar.
While frattabbing, you should not buy drinks for only a single sorostitute, even if you have zeroed in on one to receive most your attention. The message you want to send here is, “I do not care how high I run up this tab, and you are not special…there are 100 sorostitutes in here just like you.” This hard to get mentality will pay dividends in the attitude of all the sorostitutes around you, and also helps to distinguish you from the struggling GDI.
Dancing
Many of the best bars feature live music, and at some point in the evening it is likely that a sorostitute will want you to come dance with her. This is always a good sign for you, as this simple request is often the sorostitute’s way of saying, “My shack pack is full and I’m ready to go.” Thus, you should not hesitate to take a sorostitute up on this offer, even if you feel you aren’t the world’s greatest dancer. She knows your expertise lies in being an advanced fratter…if she wanted an expert dancer, she’d go find Emmitt Smith. The only general rules for dancing in a bar are as follows: don’t try to dance beyond your abilities (taking into account your drunktaneous state) and don’t do anything to embarrass yourself. Don’t be the guy that gets too excited, does the worm, and goes home alone with dirtied liquor all down the front of his shirt.
Drunktaneousness
This is a simple rule that is the most often broken bar etiquette guideline: don’t get so drunk that you are unable to function at a level conducive to talking to sorostitutes in a classy manner befitting a true fratdaddy. Know your limits, because once the-guy-that-threw-up-in-the-bar, always the-guy-that-threw-up-in-the-bar. A good rule of thumb is to stay slightly less drunktaneous than you would be at a band party; since you are not at the frat castle, you’re still going to have to find your way home without ending up in jail. Shacking with other drunks in a jail cell is most decidedly not fratty.
Fratting hard in a bar isn’t hard, but it is absolutely vital if you want your frat gland to grow to its full potential. Keep the simple lessons listed above in mind, and you will pass your campus bar exam with ease.
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