Fratty Activities 301: Fratty Bar Etiquitte (Lesson #7)

When a professional is in school learning his art, he will most often hear the adage, “As soon as you get to your first day in the office, grades will no longer matter.”  This is a harsh, but simple, truth:  no matter how well you prepare for whatever you’re doing in life, your worth will be judged according to how you perform “in the office.”  This analogy applies to one’s fratting hard prowess as well; no matter how much you know about living the fratty lifestyle, you will not be viewed as an expert fratter unless you are able to apply these techniques “in the office.?

That statement begs the question:  Where is the expert fratter’s “office”?  The answer to this question illustrates why advanced fratting is so complex.  In truth, the expert fratter’s office is everywhere he goes.  While the basic tenets of fratting hard stay constant no matter where the fratdaddy happens to be, each situation can require subtle nuances that separate the fratstar from the guy that makes people think, “He must be a (insert worst house on campus here).”

One of the most important stages on which a fratdaddy must show his maximum fratitude is the bar.  A bar to a fratdaddy is like a courtroom to a lawyer, a surgery room to a doctor, and a “Guitar Hero” tournament to a GDI:  it is where they show what they really are and what they’re really able to do.  The bar is of utmost importance for several reasons.  First of all, unlike a part at the Frat Castle, the bar is not a controlled environment:  you have no control over who else is there, what they’re doing, and what’s going on around you.  We have observed many misguided fratdaddies that try to behave in a bar exactly like they behave at their own band parties.  They ignore the nuances that we mentioned earlier, and thusly do not live up to their fratential.  The bar simply requires a more skilled approach to fratting hard…an approach that takes the unpredictable nature of the situation and uses it to your advantage.  Also, your behavior in a bar will be undoubtedly used by observant sorostitutes in making comparisons to fratdaddies from other houses in the bar.  Showing a lack of bar skills will not only embarrass you personally, but will make your brothers suggest that you go haze yourself with a soldering iron as well.  Finally, the true fratstar is able to parlay his knowledge into numerous quality shacking opportunities.  Meanwhile, less fortunate fratdaddies who struggle in the bar will be continually relegated to plan E’s who “wasn’t that big.”  With the importance of bar skills established, we will now move to some of the do’s and don’ts to remember when you’re going out.

Timing

One of the most important, and most commonly mistaken, keys to a successful bar experience is the timing of when to arrive at the bar and when to leave.  Arriving at the bars too early is a classic mark of the douchebag.  For education purposes only, go into an otherwise acceptable bar before 10:00 one night; you will observe that the level of douchebaggery within will far exceed anything that you are used to in that particular establishment.  When you arrive at the bar, the place should already be well-stocked with first choice sorostitutes.  This means that your arrival should come, most likely, no sooner than 11:00 PM.  There is little more satisfying than walking into a bar at 12:15, identifying your plan A for the evening, and swooping in and stealing her attention away from a douchebag that has just bought her $30 worth of drinks in a desperate attempt to achieve that which he lacks the fratitude to achieve.  When is the correct time to leave the bars?  That question has different answers depending on the situation.  Of course, you should not hesitate to leave one bar for another in search higher quality sorostitutes or a higher quality situation in general.  However, you should not be heading back to the frat castle until you have fully stretched your frat gland; even if you identify and secure your plan A, continue fratting hard as long as you can…until the bars close, if possible.  If she just can’t wait, and you feel you are ready for such an advanced fratological procedure, you can go shack, come back to the bars, and then go back and shack again (note:  this procedure need not be executed with the same sorostitute). 

Buying Sorostitutes Drinks

Most of your true plan A sorostitutes are strangers to actually spending money in a bar.  As mentioned above, many of these ladies are the beneficiaries of douchebags who mistakenly believe that they will be able to impress these sorostitutes by scraping together enough cash to throw a couple of amaretto sours down their throats.  Unfortunately for them, the highest of high quality sorostitutes have no trouble seeing their ruse, and also have no trouble taking the free drinks.  They can also see, however, the difference between these pathetic attempts and the fratty tradition of a fratdaddy frattabbing in the bar. 

While frattabbing, you should not buy drinks for only a single sorostitute, even if you have zeroed in on one to receive most your attention.  The message you want to send here is, “I do not care how high I run up this tab, and you are not special…there are 100 sorostitutes in here just like you.”  This hard to get mentality will pay dividends in the attitude of all the sorostitutes around you, and also helps to distinguish you from the struggling GDI.

Dancing

Many of the best bars feature live music, and at some point in the evening it is likely that a sorostitute will want you to come dance with her.  This is always a good sign for you, as this simple request is often the sorostitute’s way of saying, “My shack pack is full and I’m ready to go.”  Thus, you should not hesitate to take a sorostitute up on this offer, even if you feel you aren’t the world’s greatest dancer.  She knows your expertise lies in being an advanced fratter…if she wanted an expert dancer, she’d go find Emmitt Smith.  The only general rules for dancing in a bar are as follows:  don’t try to dance beyond your abilities (taking into account your drunktaneous state) and don’t do anything to embarrass yourself.  Don’t be the guy that gets too excited, does the worm, and goes home alone with dirtied liquor all down the front of his shirt. 

Drunktaneousness

This is a simple rule that is the most often broken bar etiquette guideline:  don’t get so drunk that you are unable to function at a level conducive to talking to sorostitutes in a classy manner befitting a true fratdaddy.  Know your limits, because once the-guy-that-threw-up-in-the-bar, always the-guy-that-threw-up-in-the-bar. A good rule of thumb is to stay slightly less drunktaneous than you would be at a band party; since you are not at the frat castle, you’re still going to have to find your way home without ending up in jail. Shacking with other drunks in a jail cell is most decidedly not fratty.

Fratting hard in a bar isn’t hard, but it is absolutely vital if you want your frat gland to grow to its full potential. Keep the simple lessons listed above in mind, and you will pass your campus bar exam with ease.