Advanced Fratting 501: Post Grad Fratting Basics (Lesson #1, Fratting 101 Lesson #3)

After four or more years of fratting hard as an undergraduate, you will find yourself making the arduous transition to the “real world.” Even though leaving your alma mater may feel like an overwhelming obstacle, it is no excuse to completely abandon your fratty ways. The years following college can be the frattiest years of your life if you learn the complex art of “post-grad fratting,” a process that will ensure your continuation of fratting hard and never going home. To get you started, today’s lesson is a primer in the basics of living the frat life after your college days are over.

Post Grad Vehicle
Your Frathoe served you well as an undergraduate, but does getting your degree mean that it is time for a new ride? When it comes to the type of vehicle you choose to drive, you should retain the same standards you had as an undergraduate while adding a dash of luxury. The most important part of this process is making a step up to a better vehicle than you had when you were in school. To accomplish this, make sure that whatever you drive communicates your status as a fratty young professional. This can not be accomplished by going to work in your old Frathoe that saw so many beer runs, road trips, and curious stains from fellow fratdaddies whose late night Waffle House did not sit well with their previous liquid intake. There are two roads which you can go down to end up at your fratty destination. The first of these is the luxury car. Nothing screams fratty young professional like a brand new BMW 325i, Lexus ES330, or Mercedes Benz C230. As you work your way up the leadership ladder, you should then take road #2. This class includes fratty standards such as the Lexus LS430, Mercedes Benz S500, and BMW 745i. If you are a married sorostitute, with or expecting fratlings, a luxury SUV is a must. Acceptable models include the Mercedes M Class, BMW X5, Range Rover, or Lexus LX470. However, remember…you are still a sorostitute and not a soccer mom. Oversized sports stickers featuring the name(s) of your fratlings is completely unacceptable just as having more than one fraternity/sorority sticker on your college car was unacceptable.

Post Grad Attire
The post grad wardrobe has just a few subtle changes from the one you wore in college. College staples such as the Polo shirt is still perfectly acceptable outside the office. However, your newfound responsibilities bring you new challenges in selecting a fratty wardrobe. Acceptable office attire includes Brooks Brothers button downs, diagonally striped ties, and custom tailored suits. The latter is absolutely vital to the fratty office ensemble; remember: fratdaddies do not wear cheap suits. A good rule of thumb is that no suit you own should cost less than $500. JC Penney suits are not frat. Whenever possible, work in frat staples such as seersucker in the summer months. For casual Fridays (which are more appropriately titled “Keep It Frat Fridays”) you should break out your best polo shirt choices along with khaki pants and Topsiders.

Post-Grad Housing
The days of the Frat Castle, apartment, or rental house are over once you have fratted across the stage and received your degree. We cannot stress this enough: one of the frattiest things you can do as a young fratty professional is buying your own house (note: “buying your own house” can also include your dad buying a house for you and putting the deed in your name). The fratty home should include ample parking space for your new frat wheels, the largest television you can fit through your door, and a large area for hosting social functions. The latter should include, at minimum, a fully stocked wet bar that will make your 6th year senior friends prefer your home to the usual local bars. Although your rental days must definitely come to an end, buying your own luxury condo will suffice if you decide to forgo purchasing a full house. However, this must be a purchase…the days of rental are over. It is a total frat move to buy a condo, live in it for 2-4 years, and then turn it over for a huge profit with which to buy your own personal Frat Castle.
The preceding lesson just scratches the surface of the complex subject of post grad fratting. Additional lessons in the future will further your understanding of this subtle art. These lessons will include, the family, the occupation, and the post grad fratty vacation.