Fratting 101: The Fratty Valentine’s Day (Lesson #19)

Valentine’s Day. It happens once a year and typically it makes fratdaddies cringe at the thought of the abundance of extra effort required to keep a sorostitute of choice pleased and content. However, your professors see Valentine Day’s as an optimal opportunity to increase your fratitude while surviving to receive plenty of future shacking occurrences. This lecture is divided into two parts. The first concerns pleasing your sorostitute of choice on this once believed to be dreadful day. The second part addresses fratting hard even though you have not designated a sorostitute as of choice.

Part I: Do It the Fratty Way

Planning for February 14^th typically happens long before the day arrives. Step one, and perhaps most importantly, flowers must be sent to your sorostitute’s residence/workplace. Remember, you must give numerous flowers in order to receive one on Valentine’s Day. Ideally, a thoughtful card and possibly a box of chocolates will accompany the flowers. If you are not the romantic type, find someone who is to help you write the card. Make sure that you are honest with your feelings without being overly sappy; if she wanted to date a woman, she could be doing that via a “pillow fight” at the sorority house. Step two, reservations for an upscale dinner must be scheduled. If you follow this one rule of frat, you will succeed in the dinner planning: If it does not have a dress code, you should not go. Sometimes fratdaddies fratcrastinate and wait until the last minute to get reservations at a fine dining establishment, and are therefore turned down. There is no need to panic. In college towns, most of the hostesses at restaurants are college students on college student budgets, which makes them easily bribed. If this doesn’t work, you may frattab in a different way by hiring a chef to prepare a gourmet dinner for the two of you at your residence. Step three, the main gift is the final roadblock between the night desired and the search to find Plan B’s. If you have remotely paid attention, you will know what to buy. If those brain cells were not functioning, perfume can be your saving grace. By following these steps, you can ensure that you will be spooning with something other than a pillow the next morning.

Part II: No Obligations, Just Opportunities

Not having a sorostitute of choice on Valentine’s Day could be the best thing that ever happened to you. The frat account still has not been tapped and no effort was exerted. Instead of planning your normal fratty Thursday night out, take advantage of all the Plans that wished they had a Valentine. Well in advance, identify a single Plan A. Then, read Part I and frategically plan which steps need to be completed to cause Plan A to crave you being her fratdaddy of choice. Chances are that step two and a significantly scaled down step three will be sufficient. Therefore, you have turned a night of possible douchebaggery into a night of extreme frattiness.