Simply put, he’s the average clueless rushee…the guy who didn’t have an older friend or family member to show him the ways of the fratty world, and the guy who comes to campus with absolutely zero training in the fratological arts.  They’re bound to make huge mistakes during rush.  Today, we’ll examine the five biggest mistakes that any rushee can make.  This lesson is not only a warning to current/future rushees, but is also a simple guide for current fratdaddies who want to keep their eyes out for those major indications of douchebaggery during their rush efforts.

#5 - The Dress

Thankfully, we are seeing more and more rushees who come to campus with some idea about how the fratty gentleman dresses.  It is no longer a rare exception to see a rushee who already knows that the conservative wardrobe of the fratdaddy is the only proper way for the college man to dress, and who has already stocked his personal closet accordingly.  However, these untrained new boys still make countless errors that put an early blot on their record of fratting.

Part of this blame goes to Hollywood.  At some point, filmmakers decided that all fraternity men dress like unadulterated douchebags, and that every Frat Castle is filled with the finest wares that Hollister has to offer.  As veteran fratdaddies, you know that’s not the case.  The rushees, however, may not.  Keep in mind this important point:  just because a rushee is dressed like a douchebag does NOT mean he cannot be cured.  This is especially true if a certain rushee’s outfit contains elements of hard fratting mixed with one or two forbidded faux pas.  The kid who’s dressed in conservative khaki shorts, Topsiders, a polo, and a choker necklace can easily be cured within his first days of pledgeship.  Indeed, wearing pledge gear usually does a fine job of banishing elements of douchebaggery from our wardrobes for life.  Even rushees with more egregious dress flaws may be moldable into quality pledges and brothers…but beware, full-on douchebag-like dress is often an outward indicator of deep-rooted GDI tendencies.

#4 - The Act

We always tell future rushees, it is important to be yourself at rush.  The problem, of course, is when “yourself” would be more cut out for a Star Trek convention than a band party.  There is really no way of getting around this…fraternity life isn’t for everyone.  We have a firm commitment to teach future fratdaddies in the ways of fratting hard in order to bring out the fratty potential they have deep inside of them.  However, some people lack a sufficiently large frat gland, and there’s nothing that any amount of training can do to fix that.

Don’t put on an act when you’re rushing.  If you do, the brothers will see right through it.  They’re experienced, they’re knowledgeable, and they will be able to tell that you are not being yourself.  This may cause you to receive very little interest from some houses.  It may cause you to get interest, though, from other houses.  This is important, as your personality will go a long way in determining which house you fit into.  The transformation from high school know-nothing to seasoned fratdaddy is process that cannot occur overnight.  Practice fratty principles as best you can while rushing, but any attempt to make yourself into something you are not will be identified and shunned.

#3 - The Over-Indulgence

Little can be worse than being “that rushee that ended up throwing up all over my girlfriend.”  This is a simple rule…don’t do things physically that will cause you to embarass yourself.  We know what you’re trying to do.  It doesn’t work that way.  You will or will not be chosen to join a particular house based on your character, personality, and fratty potential, period.  You cannot show these things while in such a state where you talk to a chair for long periods of time.

#2 - The Bad Advice

This is always tragic.  A perfectly fine candidate with good potential is marred because he got some bad advice from some older friend in a bottom tier house at Vermont State A&M&T.  Often, this advice involves doing exactly opposite what we’re suggesting above and below.  In a way, this is an extension of the “be yourself” principle, but it is a particular problem that deserves some added attention.

Only take advice from people who are 1)  on the campus where you’re going and 2) in a good house on that campus.  If you don’t know which houses are good, do some research.  If a person tells you their house is good because, “All those other dudes are so stuck up,” then rest assured his house is not good.  If you can’t verify the information above, then you are better off just being yourself, while keeping an eye on your surroundings to make sure that you’re not doing anything that is making you stick out like a Plan X an anorexia convention.

#1 - Girl Problems

There is no worse error that a rushee can make than being that straight out of high school Billy Badass who makes it his missions to show all the brothers what a ladies’ man he is at his first rush party.  This usually results in 1)  looking like a douche 2)  accidentally hitting on a sorostitute that’s off-limits.  Asking a chick who’s dating the house president to come to your pants party isn’t the best way of endearing yourself to that house’s general brotherhood.

Also bad is being the guy who is trying to show off “his moves.”  Chances are, my 18 year old friend, that your “moves” suck and will draw nothing but laughter from sorostitute and observing fratdaddy alike.  Treat all women at rush functions with respect…in a phrase, be a gentleman.  This will get you much farther than inviting a random Plan C to join you for a fish sandwich.

To the surprise of no one, Widespread Panic takes the top spot in our frattiest bands countdown.  These jam band masters hail from Athens, Georgia (itself a long respected fortress of fratitude), and have drawn sold out crowds of fratdaddies from all across the nation for over 20 years.

No, not every fan of this band is a grade A fratdaddy.  However, the same is true for any band that has ever picked up a guitar.  The truth is that Widespread earned their place on this list based not solely on their music, but rather for their impact on fratty culture as a whole.  These gentlemen carved a niche in the fratmosphere for bands of their genre.  They took the spirit of the Grateful Dead and dressed it up in a polo and Topsiders.  It made their brand of music standard on a huge percentage of fratdaddies’ playlists for a day out on the lake, or when just cruising in the Frathoe.  It made events like Bonnaroo fratty, snatching such events from the sole possession of hippies and other such unbathing GDI’s.  This is the band that showed the world a 90-thousand-person strong CD release party.  They have inspired numerous fratdaddies to spend relaxing evenings at the fratcastle with a case of fratwater, five sorostitutes, and a couple of guitars.

In short, Widespread isn’t just a band.  It’s a cultural symbol.

We had a hard time deciding which of these titans of Southern Rock would be recognized at this spot on the countdown, so in the end we figured that it would do neither a disservice to recognize them together.  We could have put one at a lower position on the countdown, but in the end it felt right to give each the honor of the #2 spot.

We first look at Lynard Skynard.  Hailing from north Florida, little need be said about their popularity with fratdaddies all throughout the fratmosphere.  Seldom has any reputable cover band entered a darkened bar or a fratcastle band room without the iconic “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Freebird” in their repertoire.  Find me any sorostitute that doesn’t want to dance to “Gimme Three Steps” or “What’s Your Name”, and I’ll show you a plan C in plan A’s clothing.  Many of us have hazy memories of the strains of “Simple Man” and “That Smell” flowing through the air on late Friday nights before the game Saturday, and these are memories that forever cement Lynyrd Skynyrd as a band of reverence and respect.

Before there was a Lynyrd Skynyrd, however, The Allman Brothers Band was laying the groundwork for Southern Rock acts to be recognized on the national music scene.  Still today, their influence on fratty music is without question (possibly because some of us were “Tied to the whipping post” when we were pledges).  Although they are best known to casual listeners for their monster hit “Ramblin’ Man”, I would personally suggest getting back to your roots by putting on “Mountain Jam” and relaxing with some premium fratwater.  Also, we can’t forget the influence that the Allman Brothers have had on other fratty bands.  For instance, Duane Allman’s guitar featured extensively on Derek & the Domino’s only studio album, and the popular Gov’t Mule is an Allman Brothers side project (featuring current guitarist Warren Haynes and bassist Allen Woody).

It’s already been said, but it’s worth saying again:  both these bands can count numerous other fratty bands as their progeny.  It is a rare thing to find any act south of the Mason-Dixon line that doesn’t count these giants as some of their main sources of influence (and that goes for country artists as well as true Southern rockers).  For both their own accomplishments and their substantial influence, we’re proud to award them a spot at #2 on the countdown.

Pictured here playing at Bonnaroo, OCMS puts a new spin on a style of music that is literally as old as the hills.  In doing so, they impart wisdom to the listening fratdaddy such as, “If you catch another mule kicking in your stall, tear it down,”  (meaning that it pays to know where your Plan A is shacking).

Despite the sad fact that they have some songs about being poor and doing manual labor, their body of work is almost entirely of very high quality.  However, little that they may ever release from this point on may meet the band party proven success of “Wagon Wheel”.  This song, developed from a song snippet written by Bob Dylan, was an instant classic…and your professors have heard it played by cover bands of many different genres in many different cities.

Over the last few years, OCMS’s overall popularity has skyrocketed.  Now, they can routinely be seen at the historic Ryman Auditorium, birthplace of the Grand Ole Opry (which some of our Institute of Fratology sociologists believe might have been the sire of the modern band party).

Oh, and on top of all that…they have a gitjo player.  That’s hard to beat.

There’s one thing we can say for Rollin’ in the Hay that we can’t really say for any other band that’s going to appear on this list:  there’s a great chance that you may be seeing them at a fratcastle near you in the future (according to their schedule they’re already coming to the Ole Miss KA house in late August, with future band party dates already on tap).

Touted as a bluegrass outfit with some big Southern Rock influences, anyone who’s seen these guys live can tell you that they’re as versatile a band party group as any you could hope to get.  They can do the traditional bluegrass, they can do the fratty country, they can do the Skynard-style rock…and it’s always one hell of a party on top of all that.

The iconic status of the remaining bands on the countdown keeps them from creeping higher up the list, but as far as a fun band that’s got some real musical talent, these guys are top notch.  If you don’t believe me, check out the fratgasm that is their “Pickin’ On Widespread” album (a bluegrass tribute to a band who we may be talking about a bit more in detail very soon).

Maui Jim Ka’anapali

I have been a loyal Costa wearer for years, but after losing my 7th pair I decided that the fates wanted me to go in a different direction.  The FrattingHard.com Ladies’ Auxiliary had recently purchased a pair of Maui Jim’s, and being very satisfied with their quality she suggested that I give them ample consideration while making my ultimate decision.

At my local sunglasses emporium, the salesman directed me to the pair of fratgoggles pictured above: the Maui Jim Ka’anapali.  They are, without a doubt, the best pair of sunglasses I have ever owned.  First of all, as you have probably guessed from the fact that I’ve lost so many pairs in the past, I’m rough on sunglasses.  When you’re fratting hard, you must have the following attitude towards material possessions:  “Screw it, I’ll buy another.”  This goes for cell phones, golf clubs, and any other high ticket item that the normal GDI would guard like a level 29 goblin with max charisma.  These Maui Jim’s have titanium frames that can be bent, pulled, prodded, and snap right back into shape.

Second, their comfort is unparallelled.  The titanium is light as a feather (only 10 grams), the nosepads are small (and adjustable), and the frames slight bow out from your face.  In sum, these features could make you forget you’re even wearing sunglasses were it not for their excellent lenses (which you know you’re getting with any Maui Jim, Costa, or Ray Ban product).

It doesn’t matter how much they cost; if you want them, just go buy them.  But for you douchebags wondering how much we’re paying for them, their suggested retail price is $259.99.  In addition to the bronze, they can also be had with grey or rose lenses.

Amazon.com Listing

Find a post-grad fratter old enough, and there’s a chance that they saw DMB play at your fraternity house when they were just starting out.  Now one of the most famous jam-bands in the world, and prolific purveyor of stickers for sorostitutes’ cars, this band played many frat castles before they hit the big time.

Good luck getting them into your band room now…unless you pull one of the all time great frat tabbing sessions in history (which would be a TFM), chances are you don’t have the cash in your house’s coffers to snag these boys back to campus.  But that’s ok, because (among other sundry “groups”) DMB concerts are often prime gathering spots for fratdaddies and sorostitutes.

Many have said (and your professor agrees) that their offerings as of late are inferior to the fratty staples that are “Under the Table and Dreaming”, “Crash”, and “Before These Crowded Streets”.  Nevertheless, many quality DMB tracks still find a home on the fratty MP3 player, and many a Plan A deal has been sealed with a glass of sour mash & “Crush” playing softly over the Frathoe speakers.

Anyway, look to the right side of the page and let us know where you are in your fratting career.

After a thorough analysis, our esteemed film experts have positively identified this piece as an early propaganda piece put out by the Forces of Global Douchebaggery.  Apparently, their strategy during the early 1960’s was a “if you can’t beat em’, make em’ become you” style attitude.  In other words, they wanted to douche up fraternities to the point where the fratdaddy would one day evolve to be indistinguishable from the GDI.

As we know now, thankfully, this strategy was an abject failure.  We can now look at their futile attempts and laugh:

Let us assure you, our search for the #1 Fratty TV show was not easy.  We both watched hundreds of hours of select footage, and downed copious amounts of fratwater in the process…all in the hopes that we would uncover a shining jewel of fratty TV magic.  We could have taken the easy way out, and make "College Gameday", or some other obvious choice, the #1 show.  However, this is NOT a popularity contest.  We looked to the content of the show itself, and the fratitude inherent therein, and this analysis rendered one result:  Tom Selleck’s (Sigma Chi, University of Southern California) Magnum P.I. is the #1 show on our Fratty TV Countdown.

How is this show fratty?  Let us count the ways.  This show was ahead of its time in terms of its fratty content.  Rarely was Thomas Magnum ever seen without his croakies, Patagonia-style shorts (complete with an inseam that only the frattiest of fratdaddies can pull off), and Polo pony on his breast.  But he didn’t stop with a fratty wardrobe.  He lived in a mansion he didn’t even own…he had it because he used his post-grad networking skills to live an unearned life of luxury.  He didn’t have a Frathoe….but the sorostitutes of the 80’s wanted the sexiest of rides, and he did not disappoint in his Ferrari (which, as you can see in the opening, he often took off-road).  His profession, a private investigator, is not a classic fratty profession.  However, his freelancing lifestyle gave him ample time to down fratwater at the local country club, pursue numerous Plan A’s, and in general frat hard every day…in essence, he achieved glorious fratty ends through uncommonly fratty means.

It gives us great pleasure to award the frattiest television show to Magnum P.I. In general, Magnum P.I. had it all – a country club, beachfront estates, fast foreign cars, multi million dollar parties, fratty clothing, and helicopters just to name a few. If you ever need to fill up your frat gland, then by all means kick back with a fratwater and put in a DVD of Magnum P.I. You will not regret it. 

Millions of dollars, hundreds of women, minimal work, and a general laissez faire attitude towards life…those are the fratty lessons that the boys of Entourage seek to teach us. 

We understand that this show has some high negatives in the context of its fratitude.  Yes, we are well aware that most every person on this show dresses like a gigantic douche.  Yes, we are aware that Hollywood is not known as a hotbed of fratting hard.  However, the positives are so high that they not only get this show on the list, but they very nearly rocketed it to #1.  This is true despite the episode where Drama had to do that thing with the bunny suit…

We literally don’t know where to begin.  It’s as good a start as any to map out the typical day for Vinny and the boys.  Wake up whenever.  Hit some golf balls off your private driving range.  Head out for brunch at an expensive restaurant.  On the way home, pick up Plan A’s at a traffic light just by looking at them.  Return home for extended session at the pool with aforementioned Plan A’s, followed by an even more extended shacking session.  Take a nap.  Wake up, go to a party in Malibu, knock down copious amounts of fratwater, and then pick out another Plan A for the rest of the evening.  If anyone can show us a frattier day on any TV show, we’d like to see it.

Closely guarding this lifestyle is Ari Gold (Zeta Beta Tau, Harvard University), who had a business attitude that all post-grad fratters should aspire to have.  He loves money, power, and status.  He hates assistants, people that don’t do what he says, and getting in trouble with the Mrs.  Most of all, he has an almost orgasmic pleasure for firing people that don’t do what he wants. 

Of course, Ari doesn’t leave his fratdaddy attitude at the office…

But we digress.  Also undeniably fratty is the way that Vinny and the crew spend money.  Four Aston Martins?  Done.  Marlon Brando’s house?  Sign the check.  Trip to Vegas for the weekend?  Any time.  $300,000 on one hand of blackjack????

Dealer busts, and so do you if you’re missing out on this show.