After four or more years of fratting hard as an undergraduate, you will find yourself making the arduous transition to the “real world.” Even though leaving your alma mater may feel like an overwhelming obstacle, it is no excuse to completely abandon your fratty ways. The years following college can be the frattiest years of your life if you learn the complex art of “post-grad fratting,” a process that will ensure your continuation of fratting hard and never going home. To get you started, today’s lesson is a primer in the basics of living the frat life after your college days are over.
Post Grad Vehicle
Your Frathoe served you well as an undergraduate, but does getting your degree mean that it is time for a new ride? When it comes to the type of vehicle you choose to drive, you should retain the same standards you had as an undergraduate while adding a dash of luxury. The most important part of this process is making a step up to a better vehicle than you had when you were in school. To accomplish this, make sure that whatever you drive communicates your status as a fratty young professional. This can not be accomplished by going to work in your old Frathoe that saw so many beer runs, road trips, and curious stains from fellow fratdaddies whose late night Waffle House did not sit well with their previous liquid intake. There are two roads which you can go down to end up at your fratty destination. The first of these is the luxury car. Nothing screams fratty young professional like a brand new BMW 325i, Lexus ES330, or Mercedes Benz C230. As you work your way up the leadership ladder, you should then take road #2. This class includes fratty standards such as the Lexus LS430, Mercedes Benz S500, and BMW 745i. If you are a married sorostitute, with or expecting fratlings, a luxury SUV is a must. Acceptable models include the Mercedes M Class, BMW X5, Range Rover, or Lexus LX470. However, remember…you are still a sorostitute and not a soccer mom. Oversized sports stickers featuring the name(s) of your fratlings is completely unacceptable just as having more than one fraternity/sorority sticker on your college car was unacceptable.
Post Grad Attire
The post grad wardrobe has just a few subtle changes from the one you wore in college. College staples such as the Polo shirt is still perfectly acceptable outside the office. However, your newfound responsibilities bring you new challenges in selecting a fratty wardrobe. Acceptable office attire includes Brooks Brothers button downs, diagonally striped ties, and custom tailored suits. The latter is absolutely vital to the fratty office ensemble; remember: fratdaddies do not wear cheap suits. A good rule of thumb is that no suit you own should cost less than $500. JC Penney suits are not frat. Whenever possible, work in frat staples such as seersucker in the summer months. For casual Fridays (which are more appropriately titled “Keep It Frat Fridays”) you should break out your best polo shirt choices along with khaki pants and Topsiders.
Post-Grad Housing
The days of the Frat Castle, apartment, or rental house are over once you have fratted across the stage and received your degree. We cannot stress this enough: one of the frattiest things you can do as a young fratty professional is buying your own house (note: “buying your own house” can also include your dad buying a house for you and putting the deed in your name). The fratty home should include ample parking space for your new frat wheels, the largest television you can fit through your door, and a large area for hosting social functions. The latter should include, at minimum, a fully stocked wet bar that will make your 6th year senior friends prefer your home to the usual local bars. Although your rental days must definitely come to an end, buying your own luxury condo will suffice if you decide to forgo purchasing a full house. However, this must be a purchase…the days of rental are over. It is a total frat move to buy a condo, live in it for 2-4 years, and then turn it over for a huge profit with which to buy your own personal Frat Castle.
The preceding lesson just scratches the surface of the complex subject of post grad fratting. Additional lessons in the future will further your understanding of this subtle art. These lessons will include, the family, the occupation, and the post grad fratty vacation.
Any fratdaddy or sorostitute knows that being in a Greek house is like being part of a big family. You eat together, you hang out together, you party together. Therefore, it is not surprising that one of the cornerstones of post grad fratting is family life. It is definitely fratty for the young professional to play the field when they emerge from college. However, most fratdaddies and sorostitutes decide to finally settle down sometime after they establish themselves in the workplace and have their career on the fast track for success. In this lesson, we will lay out what it means to cultivate an environment of fratitude in one’s own family life after college is behind you and the rest of your life is ahead. Remember: frat never takes a day off, and this does not change when classes are over. In this lesson, we will cover the two most important components of the fratty family: the fratty spouse and the fratlings.
The Fratty Spouse
Without a doubt, the most important part of having a fratty family is choosing a fratty spouse. The ideal fratty spouse should be like you in many ways. The first, and most vital, concern is choosing a spouse who was also Greek. The reasons for this are multiple, and most are self explanatory. Second, their financial standing should be similar to or greater than your own. There’s nothing better than picking a sorostitute (or fratdaddy, for you ladies) who, upon marriage, immediately increases you net worth by a million dollars or so. Getting back to choosing a Greek spouse: the Greek experience is a common bond that you will share that will facilitate a better relationship between you. Ideally, you should have a spouse that graduated from the same institution that is written across your degree. This solves many problems, such as football or basketball season arguments about which games you are going to travel to see. When you’re sitting on the 50 yard line in Williams-Brice Stadium, it’s not fratty to have to shut up your wife who’s screaming in full Clemson garb. Also, having a Greek spouse will allow you to maximize your opportunities to get back on campus for some of the greatest moments in post grad fratting: alumni cocktails and formals.
The Fratty Fratlings
Eventually, you and your fratty spouse will decide to have fratlings (or you will be the .02 percent that may have good cause for a lawsuit against your contraception device of choice). Either way, having fratlings is no cause to frat any less hard than you usually do. On the contrary, it presents new challenges that will separate the fratty from the unfratty. For one, it allows you to continue the fratty legacy. There is no prouder moment than the first time you get a call at 2AM in the morning from your newly pledged fratling who accidentally dialed your number after a long night of fratting hard. Also, having fratlings gives you the opportunity to make a contribution back to global fratty education by personally training your fratlings to grow up to be fratty members of society. Take pride in the fact that while you and your spouse are sitting at the Little League game in your Brooks Brothers sport coat and Costas and Croakies, watching Future Fratdaddy IV knock another one over the fence, you are not a GDI living alone in a studio apartment, ordering take out, and taking the bus home.
There will come a time in almost every fratdaddy’s and sorostitute’s life when daddy decides to pull the plug on the funds he has continuously placed into their bank accounts. This time should not be one of panic. Generating your own source of income will provide you with the fratty lifestyle you enjoyed throughout your college career and will finance the opportunity for your future fratlings to frat as hard as you did. Various occupations are considered fratty in nature and will allow one to earn a substantial living. To complement the accumulation of excessive income, the frattiest occupations are those that give a person both power and control. These are important as they help the fratty continue to be in the upper echelon of society, which positions them to continue the fight against global douchebaggery. The following includes, but is not limited to, some of the frattiest occupations known to the frat world (in alphabetical order):
Business Executive
The business executive is easily a fratty occupation. Rarely can you find something more frat than running all or a portion of a major corporation. With respect to living the fratty lifestyle, executive salaries are almost always at high levels and the executive title also includes numerous perks. For example, many executives have so many stock options that the mere exercising of them will make a GDI’s head explode if they were to ever count the zeros from the profit. Also, luxury company cars, business meetings at fine dining establishments or on the golf course, and control over many employees paves the way for one heck of a fratmosphere.
Doctor
The frattiest part of being a doctor is telling others that you are a doctor. Having Dr. preceding your name shows power, money, and lets everyone know that you are an important member of society. Since many doctors are self-employed, they can take time off to hit the links, vacation with their hot sorostitute wife, or engage in other fratty activities. Money tends to find its way into the pockets of most doctors, as GDI’s constantly have health problems due to depression from being a GDI and the threat of spontaneous head explosions. We also encourage you future fratty physicians to keep a track on all the sorostitutes that you know who are in nursing. They’re always a good number of them, and they should be kept in mind for when you have your own office and you want to keep its fratmosphere high.
Entrepreneur
There are few things in life frattier than having your name included in the name of your company. The entrepreneur has total control over everything relating to their job, and total control leads to more post-grad fratting possibilities. Similar to doctors, entrepreneurs can take time off to participate in fratty activities while GDI’s are doing all the labor to increase the entrepreneur’s frattabbing ability. Starting your own company can also lead to one of the frattiest occupations of all: the former entrepreneur who sold his company for millions of dollars and now sits on his yacht drinking beer and deep sea fishing off the coast of his private island.
Lawyer
Although many in the general public dislike this occupation, its inherent frattiness cannot be overlooked. Attorneys generate high levels of income, especially when they make partner, and are often very influential members of society. Being an attorney can also help you continually give back to your fraternity. Throughout life, many of your pledge brothers will occasionally have run-ins with the law; there’s no better way to blow off steam than to pull off a multi-million dollar merger/acquisition deal and then swing by the courthouse to get a pledge brother a reduced sentence in his DUI case on the way home. Lawyers who later become judges are even more powerful in that they can sentence a GDI to a frisbeeless jail cell for performing an act of douchebaggery. While some lawyers work excessively long hours, the hours often go down while the money goes up.
Politician
Simply put, no matter which occupation you choose, you can later become a politician. In fact, we highly encourage this career tract for several reasons. First of all, as an elected official, you will enjoy a great deal of respect and notoriety. Second, you will receive a rather paycheck for work done mostly by your aides. Lastly, after you finish your career in politics, corporations will be knocking down the door to place you on their corporate boards, where you can continue to rake in cash for doing ridiculously little work.
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