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We’ve picked the East, now we’ve picked the west.  Again, if you disagree with us, don’t get too mad.  After all…we’re pretty drunk.

1.)  Alabama – They had the Crimson Tide faithful scared for a while when the report came out that offensive stars Julio Jones and Mark Ingram fratted too hard on a fishing trip and might be suspended by the NCAA to start the year, but it appears that now will both play in Alabama’s opener, so we’ll give Bama the nod for the top spot in the West.  Gone is All-American tackle Andre Smith and All-Fratshag quarterback John Parker Wilson, but the defense should still be among the tops in the league, and…uhm…we’re pretty sure that Nick Saban’s favorite snack is souls.

2.)  LSU – Yeah, yeah…I know, this is supposed to be Ole Miss.  But let’s be honest…while they’re champion fratters to the nth degree, the Rebels have been apt to let you down on the football field more than once.  We’ll go again with the Bayou Bengals, who enter this year with a quarterback who, unlike last year, seems to understand that other team + your ball + your own endzone = fail.  And, of course, they still have a coach with a national championship ring, the biggest hat since Turd Ferguson on SNL Celebrity Jeopardy, and a brilliant time out strategy.

3.)  Ole Miss – Jevan Snead is, without a doubt, the best quarterback in the SEC…but we still regret Houston Nutt leaving Arkansas.  Why?  Because at Arkansas, he had not one, but TWO quarterbacks named Dick.  And he’s named Nutt.  Nutt, with his 2 Dicks.  Wait, that sounds sort of painful.  But I digress.  The Rebels have high hopes entering this year, and let’s be honest, no one will be surprised if they win the West outright.  After all, they were the only team last year that could keep the Gator from getting his Gradulations.  I just wonder what Florida would do to them if there’s an SEC championship game rematch….Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Tebow.

4.)  Arkansas – Arkansas has already surprised a lot of folks this season…by keeping Bobby Petrino for more than one year.  Seriously, that guy gets around like a fratdaddy in a bar full of plan A’s.  This time around, he has another rambling man, Michigan transfer Ryan Mallet, leading his offense.  Looking at the Arkansas scrimmage stats, Mallet is either the greatest quarterback in the history of time, or the Arkansas defense is going to look a lot like they did last year….when they didn’t hit many people like this:

5.)  Auburn – They surprised the college football world last year when they fired Tommy Tuberville, a coach that, not that long ago, produced a Tiger team that many believed was cheated out of a chance at the BCS title game.  Then, they surprised the college football world again for hiring a guy that was 5-19 in his two years as a head coach at Iowa State.  However, they should still be a better team this season.  Last year, they had a spread offense that really didn’t fit the school’s traditional smash mouth, hard nosed football image, and Chris Todd, an unheralded JUCO transfer, was their quarterback.  Now, they have…uhm…a spread offense that doesn’t really fit the school’s traditional smash mouth, hard nosed football image, and Chris Todd, an unheralded JUCO transfer, is their quarterback.  One thing they have going for them, though, is that this year’s version of the spread is led by Gus Malzahn’s, who’s high flying Tulsa team allowed fratdaddies all around the country to cash in on the “over” time and time again.  Also, one of their tackles is channeling Lattimer from “The Program”.

6.)  Mississippi State – Their in-state rival is actually good this year, they’re now running the Tebow offense with no Tebow, their fans still insist on bringing cowbells to the stadium, and we have forever lost the phrase, “He got Croomed.”  Honestly, there’s just not that much good I can say here.  But hey, at least they’ve got new uniforms.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Thank the Frat Lord, college football finally kicks off tomorrow.  Since the SEC won the poll, here is your preview of the SEC East.  We decided to divide the preview into two parts because of the length.  The preview of the SEC West will be posted either tonight or at some point before tomorrow night.  Please do not comment about how we are stupid because we picked Vanderbilt to finish 6th, stated that Georgia choked last season, said the Ole’ Ball Coach has lost his winning ways, etc.  Everyone has their own opinion.  This is our unbiased, but funny and cruel, opinion based on the wealth of SEC knowledge that we have.  Here is the following short and sweet preview and predictions for the SEC East.

1.)  Florida – Go Gator!  If we were to pick any other team to win the SEC East, then Timothy Tebow would have us sentenced to hell for eternity.  Florida returns everybody but “Percy Harvey” off of last year’s championship team, notwithstanding any recent convictions that have alluded our radar.  As long as Tebow is healthy, which he will be since he has healing powers, then Florida will cruise to a 3rd BCS title in four years.
 

 
2.)  Georgia – How ’bout them dawgs?  How ’bout Mark Richt & company blacking out and choking big time last year fall?  The expectations are a touch lower in Athens this fall, especially after Stafford conned the Lions into giving him $41.7 million guaranteed and Knowshown “Cranked Dat” way to Denver.  Joe Cox will now lead the Dawgs, which should have a better offensive and defensive line than last season.  However, did we mention that Joe Cox will now lead the Dawgs?  A.J. Green with no Stafford or Moreno means the expectations are probably correct this year, a 2nd place finish in the East and another Capital One Bowl appearance.  We imagine that this kid is going to be disappointed at the Cocktail Party this year:
 

 
3.)  Tennessee – Deciding between who would finish 3rd or 4th in the East is like choosing which Plan C is better to take back to the Frat Castle.  Does it really matter?  No, it does not.  Last season was a Rocky Top Flop for the Vols.  Currently, they are now coached by a teenager with the mentality of a toddler.  It seems like a matter of time until this lunatic has the NCAA knocking down his door in Knoxville over major violations, not just the 387 secondary violations that he managed to rack up this past offseason.  Until that time comes, the Vols have recruited well enough and have enough talent to win about five to seven football games this fall, which will be good enough to finish 3rd in the East. Now, here is that idiot we mentioned earlier:
 

 
4.)  South Carolina – Do you remember with the Ole’ Ball Coach was considered one of the best in America?  You probably don’t because that was nearly 20 years ago at another institution.  Now, the coach is acting like he should be in an institution, especially after that cowardly press conference at SEC Media Days concerning the Tim Tebow 1st Team All-SEC concensus vote debacle.  There were a couple of steals this past year in recruiting, but it will not be enough, because South Carolina will be average as always.  After all, their QB can’t even run over an SEC official:

 
5.)  Kentucky – No, John Calipari will not be coaching the football team, but he can arrange for an exceptional student to take a standardized test for a 5-Star recruit.  Unless they roll an orange ball onto the field and attach some baskets to the goal posts, nothing good is happening in Lexington until Rupp Arena opens later in the fall. So, check this photograph showing Kentucky’s rich football tradition.

 
6.)  Vanderbilt – The academics of the SEC somehow made a bowl last year.  It could happen this year since there is not much talent separating the couple of programs picked ahead of them.  Also, we believe that the SEC has 13 bowl tie-ins and 12 member institutions, so if Commodores can do their math right, which they can, then they may just make a bowl after all.  Nickson and Adams can pose to be credible threats at QB at times, but Vandy should go back to being the SEC punching bag that they have always been.

Popularity: unranked [?]