FrattingHard.com

Entourage

Millions of dollars, hundreds of women, minimal work, and a general laissez faire attitude towards life…those are the fratty lessons that the boys of Entourage seek to teach us. 

We understand that this show has some high negatives in the context of its fratitude.  Yes, we are well aware that most every person on this show dresses like a gigantic douche.  Yes, we are aware that Hollywood is not known as a hotbed of fratting hard.  However, the positives are so high that they not only get this show on the list, but they very nearly rocketed it to #1.  This is true despite the episode where Drama had to do that thing with the bunny suit…

We literally don’t know where to begin.  It’s as good a start as any to map out the typical day for Vinny and the boys.  Wake up whenever.  Hit some golf balls off your private driving range.  Head out for brunch at an expensive restaurant.  On the way home, pick up Plan A’s at a traffic light just by looking at them.  Return home for extended session at the pool with aforementioned Plan A’s, followed by an even more extended shacking session.  Take a nap.  Wake up, go to a party in Malibu, knock down copious amounts of fratwater, and then pick out another Plan A for the rest of the evening.  If anyone can show us a frattier day on any TV show, we’d like to see it.

Closely guarding this lifestyle is Ari Gold (Zeta Beta Tau, Harvard University), who had a business attitude that all post-grad fratters should aspire to have.  He loves money, power, and status.  He hates assistants, people that don’t do what he says, and getting in trouble with the Mrs.  Most of all, he has an almost orgasmic pleasure for firing people that don’t do what he wants. 

Of course, Ari doesn’t leave his fratdaddy attitude at the office…

But we digress.  Also undeniably fratty is the way that Vinny and the crew spend money.  Four Aston Martins?  Done.  Marlon Brando’s house?  Sign the check.  Trip to Vegas for the weekend?  Any time.  $300,000 on one hand of blackjack????

Dealer busts, and so do you if you’re missing out on this show.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Sportscenter

You come in from a day at the lake, you plop down on your couch, you flip on your 42 inch flatscreen, and it’s time to pick a channel.  What’s the first channel you surf to?  9 out of 10 fratdaddies will answer this question, "ESPN." 

The fratdaddy prides himself on having wide knowledge of a variety of different sports, especially college football, the NFL, and MLB (and, if there was absolutely nothing else to bet on that day, the WNBA).  There’s simply no better source for the previous day’s scores, highlights, and lowlights as ESPN’s flagship, Sportscenter.  If TV viewing was a diet, Sportscenter is the fratdaddy’s staple food.  It is to your television as cheap beer is to a rush party, bourbon is to a tailgate, and the triple bacon Whopper is to the Plan X.  Just as the GDI gets his most vital daily information from the G4 channel, the fratdaddy gets his from Sportscenter.

It’s on when you wake up in the morning.  If you don’t wake up for morning, it’s on in the afternoon.  If you don’t wake up for the afternoon, it’s still on at night.  If you watched it, but you were too drunktaneous to remember if you covered or not, don’t worry…the same show’s coming on again. 

Let’s not discount the frattiness of working at ESPN, either.  A Sportscenter anchor gets paid for wearing a designer suit, talking about sports, and often making witty remarks about athletes at times of great embarrassment and failure.  More than one fratdaddy has chosen this line of work as their way to maximize post-grad fratting potential (Trey Wingo, Phi Delta Theta, Baylor University; Scott Van Pelt, Pi Kappa Alpha, University of Maryland; Rich Eisen, Pi Kappa Phi, University of Michigan; Dan Patrick, Phi Sigma Kappa, University of Dayton).

We’d talk about it some more, but Sportscenter is coming on.

Popularity: unranked [?]

The Simpsons/Family Guy

We combine these two shows because they fill the same animated niche in the esteemed fratdaddy’s Tivo…the often late-night entertainment that provides some humorous levity in the day to day life of the busy fratdaddy. 

There is no need to go through what is not fratty about these shows.  They’re both animated comedies, and they both require us to suspend our existence in reality for a while in order to engage in some low brow laughs.  However, both also offer a brand of humor that requires a bit of the intelligence which fratdaddies have long been known to possess.  While some douchebags admittedly enjoy these shows as well, the fratdaddy enjoys each on a different level, and usually for a different purpose.

After a long day of fratting hard, a little humor to end the day is just what you need to relax, and each of these programs are known for their frequent late night play.  No matter how late you get home from the bars, you can probably find one or the other playing in syndication somewhere on your plasma screen. 

That is not to say, though, that their convenience is the reason for their place on this list.  Delving into the content of each, we find some decidedly fratty behavior.  Even though Homer was not known for going to class, he has been able to work his way into a position of at least some prominence and prestige.  Of course, after a long day at work, he understands the importance of taking it to Moe’s for a few cold fratwaters before returning home to the family.  Peter on Family Guy lives by this same mantra. 

And let us not forget the venerable Quagmire, who we do not hesitate to crown the king of all shacking.  We should all live by his words in the episode where he hooks up with the child services agent.  She says, “Quagmire, honey, I have a question.  What do you do for a living?”  To this, he responds, “I have a question for you.  Why are you still here?”  This bit of truth should bring an approving tear to the veteran fratdaddy’s eye. 

Neither of these shows (save Quagmire’s aforementioned wisdom) tell us much about how to frat hard in our day to day lives.  However, they do provide us with quality entertainment around the clock, and we must say that there are few forms of entertainment more effective during periods of extreme druntaneousness.

Popularity: unranked [?]

One of the most common requests we have had over the last few months is to consider looking at the frattiest selections from a number of different topics.  The most frequently mentioned topics for such an examination have been TV shows and movies, and we thought it was high time that these requests were answered.  We start today with our countdown of the Top 5 Fratty TV shows.

Before we begin, we’d like to offer some explanation about these choices.  First of all, we can’t think of a single TV show that is 100% fratty.  Many shows have some elements that are fratty, and some that are not…that’s just the nature of the beast.  Our selections are based on the following factors:  shows that have very strong fratty elements, shows that are enjoyed by many fratdaddies, and shows that include episodes that could be helpful for someone trying to live the fratty lifestyle.  We will recognize the elements of these shows that are not fratty, and will explain why they are not fatal to the show’s place on this list.  With this explained, we move on to our 5th Frattiest TV Show….

The Sopranos

With roots going back to the mid 1800’s, the Cosa Nostra is one of the world’s original fraternities.  With their own rituals, regulations, and, of course, omertà, the mafia has been fratting hard on the outskirts of the law for time immemorial.  It would stand to reason then, that the greatest of all American mafia oriented TV shows would find a place on this list.

First, we must look at the cons of putting The Sopranos on this list.  First and foremost, it’s not fratty to be a career criminal.  The federal penitentiary is no frat castle, and the witness protection program is one fraternity that you never want to be an initiate of.  Also, the Jersey shore isn’t exactly known as a hotbed of fratitude. 

However, there is much in this show that should appeal to your inner fratdaddy.  Although the gains were ill-gotten, the level of cash flow in this show is akin to what many post-grad fratters should be expected to enjoy.  This position is strengthened even more by Tony’s entrepreneurial spirit, evidenced by his “Gentlemen’s Club” venture. 

Besides crime, there are some other vices seen in this show that are fratty.  Gambling, frequent alcohol consumption, and the passing around of numerous Plan A’s are the rule for this family.  However, the #1 way that Tony and his crew frat hard is through their repeated extreme frattabbing.  Italians are known for their taste in food and wine, and these Mafiosos do not disappoint in this department.  High-dollar meals are had daily, premium wines are downed like Natural Light, and when the bottle is empty, we just get another grocery bag full of money out of the back of the toilet and order another round.

We don’t recommend you go into Mr. Soprano’s line of business, but we do think that these DVD’s are prime selections for lazy afternoons at the frat castle.  Stay tuned, because tomorrow the #4 Frattiest TV Show will be revealed.  

Popularity: unranked [?]

Regular school is over, the slightly annoying GPA savers known as summer classes have started, fratdaddies and sorostitutes are out bronzing all over the country, and the time is upon us for the first DOUCHE-OFF of summer.  Let the douchebaggery commence:

For the love of all that is holy, son, insist on an all missionary honeymoon.

Yes, I’ve posted this before, but it’s worth another look.

When post-grad fratting goes wrong…

What an offer!  Get it while you can, my GDI friends…

The “My New Haircut” guy in 50 years…HGH!

This is so sad it’s not even funny.

Great parenting.

Remember “Beaker” from The Muppet Show?

You really should go to class occasionally…or else you might end up like this guy.

Oh…my……………………what a douche.

We have to think of a dictionary word for this.

Popularity: unranked [?]

As we watch the U.S. Open playoff today, we are again overwhelmed by inherent fratitude of the great game of golf. We’ve looked at several golfers before in the contexts of Fratty Celebrities, etc., and we’re always surprised to uncover new facts that underlie the true frattiness of many golfing legends (i.e. Jack Nicklaus once made a caddy’s head explode by taking a pull on a bottle of Maker’s Mark he hid in his bag before chipping in a birdie from a bunker). Today, though, we saw a picture that we can’t really explain. It shouldn’t be fratty…yet the needles on our Fratometers started twitching like the thighs of a freshman plan B after a Bid Day Party when we pulled it up. I don’t know how else to introduce it other than, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Daly:

Popularity: unranked [?]

The University of Wisconsin recently defeated the University of Florida in the National Collegiate Ultimate Frisbee Championship.  It’s important to remember in competitions like these that it’s not whether you win or lose…it’s that you are completely lacking a frat glad if you’re anywhere near it.

This article made us think, though…what are the least fratty things that you can win?

Funny we should ask…

THE FIVE LEAST FRATTY THINGS YOU CAN WIN

5)  Any online video game that a)  isn’t a sports game b)  you don’t play in conjunction with one of your brothers while taking the entire thing absolutely unseriously and c)  isn’t played while enjoying a refreshing fratwater.

4)  Any game that involves, involved, will involve, might involve, is reputed to involve, or is rumored to involve a dwarf (the mythical kind…not the kind that delight us on Little People, Big World).

3)  The love of a Plan E with a heart of gold, a twinkle in her one good eye, and a slight odor reminiscent of moth balls and Funyans.

2)  “Customer of the Month” from StarTrekErotica.com.

1)  Of course, the FrattingHard.com Douchebag Invitational.

Popularity: unranked [?]

One of the FrattingHard.com Ladies’ Auxiliary alerted us to this video, which we thought was pretty funny…although I don’t see better than a high plan C in this bunch of females.

Popularity: unranked [?]