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A reader emailed us a link to this video and asked us to pass it along.  Funny, although it slightly sickens me to hear a guy wearing that hat use the word “fratty.”

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Note:  Although this is designated as a 101 class, special problems in the area of shacking will be explored which can sometimes be troublesome even for advanced fratters.  We hope that this guide will assist you in making quality shacking decisions and sending the percentage of your Plan A successes through the roof.

Classes of Shackers

Some shackers may fall into more than one of the categories below as you go up the shacking continuum.  I.e. all permashackers are girlfriend shackers, but not all girlfriend shackers are necessarily permashackers.

Random Shacker – The most basic class.  This is the sorostitute whose name you did not know the night you met her, and probably don’t know the morning after.  Primarily identified and secured through her own incentive, as many random shackers identify fratdaddies fratting the hardest and make themselves available to said fratdaddies.  If you are too drunktaneous, we recommend getting a second opinion from a trusted pledge brother before securing a random shacker that graded out any lower than a plan B during initial evaluation.  May later become any of the higher classes, based on attractiveness, quality of sorority, and breakfast making skills. 

Repeat Shacker – Sorostitute with whom you are not in an exclusive relationship, but has shacked or is available to shack multiple times.  Distinguished from emergency shacker because the fratdaddy himself actively desires multiple shacking opportunities.  Usually the last step before becoming girlfriend shacker.

Emergency Shacker – Sorostitute, usually with low self-esteem, who may be called into emergency shacking duty when all other plans have failed.  Not a shacker whom fratdaddy begins the night desiring, the emergency shacker is the backup plan when all other acceptable plans have failed.  The best emergency shackers are “but for” sorostitutes.  I.e. She would be a Plan A or Plan B, but for her association with a lower tier sorority.  Often willing to drive herself to the Frat Castle when called and usually willing to pick up a sack of Krystals for you on the way.  Warning:  if your emergency shacker would normally be lower than a Plan C, Krystals bag may be empty when she arrives.

Non-Native Shacker – Shacker from another university, or at least from another city.  Most often are sorostitutes in town visiting friends from home or for major sporting events.  Useful due to the lack of a need to deal with them after the weekend is over.  Also helps you achieve a modicum of revenge if your school ends up losing said major event.  If your non-native shacker works out well, she could become an annual shacker (non-native shacker that you shack with once every football season).

High School Shacker – I swear your honor, she told me she was 18.

Frat-Potato Shacker – See Dictionary.  She’s staying at your frat castle; with whom?  To be determined.  At the Frat Castle so much that your kitchen staff knows how she likes her eggs.  Often also fall under the class of emergency shacker. 

Girlfriend Shacker – Sorostitute with whom you are in an exclusive relationship and stays at your Frat Castle, apartment, or house less than 50% of the time.  Although the percentage of nights stayed is instructive in identifying a girlfriend shacker and differentiating her from a permashacker, the true test is the amount of clothes and personal products she keeps at your residence.  The girlfriend shacker will often consciously keep few personal products & clothing items at her fratdaddy’s residence in an attempt to avoid becoming a permashacker.  Despite this, a high percentage eventually become permashackers.

Permashacker – A sorostitute with which you are in a long term relationship, and thus sleeps at your apartment, house, or fratcastle more than she sleeps at her own sorority house.  Has to actually make plans to sleep at the sorority house because she doesn’t even have a toothbrush there.  Enjoys activities such as doing your laundry, washing your dishes, and helping you out in the shower.  Biggest downside?  Need to purchase at least twice the amount of toilet paper you used before she took up residence with you.  Also may require the purchase of a shower caddy to accommodate her mind numbing assortment of hair products.  This situation may also find you purchasing feminine hygiene products on request during routine beer runs.   

The Plan System

Plan A:  Your top choice.  A very attractive sorostitute from a top tier sorority.  If she becomes a permashacker, her dad has a job waiting for you at the firm.

Plan B:  You could not secure your Plan A, but you still end up with someone you can brag about at dinner the next night. 

Plan C:  It won’t be necessary for you to try to sneak out her window before she wakes up, but neither will it be appropriate for you to brag about her to your brothers. 

NOTE:  The advanced frat daddy, practicing well established and sound principles of fratting hard should never have to resort to any of the following plans.

Plan D:  Arguably a step above masturbation.  Will make you want to go to confession, even if you’re not Catholic.  May not want to tell her your real name.  Never resort to this any faster than 30 minutes before closing time.  Upside:  you can make her walk home, and let’s face it, she probably needs the exercise.

Plan X:  May get you balled from your fraternity.  Horrible shacking choice, but has potential to play defensive tackle for the football team next year.  Upside:  you won’t lose a shack shirt because she can’t fit into any of your clothes.  Downside:  any snack foods in your room will be gone if she wakes up before you.  Actually shacking with a Plan X may require purchase of a new mattress and possibly group therapy.

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