FrattingHard.com

When you go to bed tonight, ask yourself:

1)  Did I frat as hard today as I possibly could?
2)  Did I miss any opportunities to boost my fratitude?
3)  Did I make those around me frattier by fratmosis?
4)  When I wake up tomorrow, will my fratitude be higher though my actions than it was when I woke up today?
5)  In what ways can I be a frattier fratdaddy/sorostitute tomorrow?

If you do this every day, you’ll be seeing more and more of these everywhere you go:

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Crotch Stuffing – Verb: Typically performed by a fratdaddy to sneak various bottled liquids into an event, it is the action of placing multiple miniatures in the crotch area and having said miniatures secured by an appropriate undergarment.

ex. Daniel is the frat king of crotch stuffing because he can stuff ten minis and give no indication of an enlarged package.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Earlier this month, we explored the complete college football weekend, giving you a cursory glance at all of the most important fratty activities that must be undertaken to make a game week as fratty as possible.  Today, we will slice out the most vital part of this chain, gameday itself, and explore, in depth, how to make your stadium’s student section a hodgepodge of hardcore fratting surrounded by a periphery of exploded skulls. 

There are two key components to gameday preparation:  the attire and the skillfully concealed bourbon.  Sneaking bourbon into college football games (if you’re of age, of course) is a tradition that is almost as old as the game itself.  However, as time has progressed, many universities have become increasingly cranky about this time honored tradition.  To complicate this, many stadium security crews will target fratdaddies and sorostitutes for more in-depth body searches because they know of the prevalence of this act within the Greek community.  Like most parts of life, though, we are several steps ahead of the rest of the world.  Before we explore this further, let us say a word on attire.

The active fratdaddy has several choices when picking gameday attire.  Of course, the traditional white dress shirt with khaki pants and a tie will always do.  However, there are options that will allow one to show a little more school spirit while maintaining proper fratty decorum.  For early season games, school-color seersucker is always a hit.  Solid school color slacks are good choices as well.  Many frattier clothiers also offer conservative styled slacks and shorts featuring college mascots and logos.  While you would never think of wearing such pants to class or a bar, these are perfectly acceptable at the stadium on gameday.  Post-grad fratdaddies will usually take a step down in formality and wear a golf shirt or polo with a conservative university logo.  A conservative university baseball cap is also an acceptable accessory, although one should take care to not have a logo on every piece of one’s outfit.  For ladies, wear a dress.  You know how to dress for football games. 

Now, we all know that bourbon and coke is a college football tradition.  We also know that bourbon is not sold inside college football stadiums.  Therefore, we next move to the correct way of getting the bourbon outside to be the bourbon inside.  There are two main containers for football game bourbon:  the flexi-flask and the mini.

The hard part is actually getting those containers through the gate.  Fortunately, any self respecting fratdaddy will have with him the greatest bourbon transportation vehicle on earth:  his date.  The most traditional, and, we believe, most entertaining, manner of doing this is taping the flask or minis to your date’s leg.  This will get your prized possessions out of the way of any stadium security body search.  Another alternative that we have seen is having the sorostitute stuff some minis in the chest area of her dress.  This may be a bit riskier, but more blessed sorostitutes can pull it off with ease.  Purses are often searched, but if this is the only option, placing the contraband under a protective layer of feminine hygiene products will often get the goods in the gate with no problems.

If your sorostitute is not a good sport (or if you don’t trust her), you may have to sneak it in on your own person.  This is most effectively achieved through the art of crotch-stuffing.  We’d explain it, but it’s pretty much self explanatory. 

Once inside the stadium, you know what to do.  Sit with your fraternity brothers, enjoy your contraband libations, make sure you have a mix stick handy at all times, and cheer your team to victory. 

Popularity: unranked [?]

Mix Stick – Noun: the stick of a shaker that is used to stir bourbon and coke at sporting events, primarily during a college football game.

ex. Tom, let me borrow your mix stick to stir this drink.  It’s been 2 downs since I’ve had bourbon running down by throat.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Grilling Out
Frat:  Hamburgers and hotdogs on the Char-Broil
GDI:  Vienna sausages on the George Foreman grill

Drink of Choice
Frat:  Jack and Coke
GDI:  Cherry and Coke

Tailgating Atmosphere
Frat:  Watching other college football games on the flat-screen with satellite
GDI:  Listening to college radio station while spraying one another with body paint

Game-time Ammunition
Frat:  Miniatures and flexi-flasks
GDI:  Foam finger and team-color wig

Post-Game Tailgate
Frat:  Repeat all of the above (grill out again, drink more, watch more college football)
GDI:  45 minute shower in campus dorm to remove body paint from various orifices

Popularity: unranked [?]

This song was #1 on the Billboard GDI/Douchebag Charts for 7 straight months in the mid 1980’s. In fact, some current GDI’s were actually conceived when their parents, after coming home from Co-Ed Intramural Dungeons and Dragons practice, were overcome with lust after listening to this song.

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Last December, we took a look at some college football coaches who set a good example by living the post-grad fratty lifestyle.  College football season is here again, and this topic has been revived by a poster in the FrattingHard.com Discussion Forum.  The last time we discussed this, we stuck to current head coaches at major universities.  Today, we’re going to look at some more current coaches, as well as some coaches who fratted hard in days gone by.

Paul W. Bryant – Sigma Nu, University of Alabama

As a player, Bryant was an end on Alabama’s 1934 national championship team.  As a coach, he would win six more national championships for his alma mater.  As a fratdaddy, “Bear” didn’t see graduation as a reason to stop fratting hard, and his love of fine bourbons and hazing players didn’t stop for the rest of his life.  Known across the nation as possibly the greatest coach in the history of college football, Bryant also imparted the wisdom of the fratty lifestyle upon players such as Joe Namath and Kenny Stabler.

Woody Hayes – Sigma Chi, Denison University

The winner of 13 Big Ten championships, Woody Hayes is well known for his lifelong fight against the scourge of douchebaggery.  In fact, he is perhaps best known for the incident where he choked an opposing player on the sideline, reportedly after the player intercepted a ball, jumped up, and removed his helmet to display his brand new frosted-blonde hair.  Hayes summed up his ideas about the interplay between the fratty lifestyle and college football with this quote:  “Football represents and embodies everything that’s great about this country, because the United States of America is built on winners, not losers or people who didn’t bother to play.”  By “winners”, we can almost assuredly assume that he was talking about himself and other top tier fratdaddies.

Lou Holtz – Delta Upsilon, Kent State University

Holtz is a perfect example of how a fratdaddy parlays one career into making even more money doing work that is significantly easier than one’s first profession of choice.  After a coaching career that saw stops at William and Mary, Arkansas, Minnesota, Notre Dame, and South Carolina, Holtz stepped into a job as a college football analyst for ESPN, a position for which he is paid thousands of dollars for doing basically nothing.  Knowing the importance of having a fratdaddy at the helm of a major college football program, he helped the University of South Carolina secure legendary coach and famous fratdaddy Steve Spurrier to take over the Gamecock program after his final retirement.

Lloyd Carr – Kappa Sigma, University of Missouri

Coach Carr fratted so hard last offseason that he neglected to formulate a game plan that could beat Division 1-AA Appalachian State.  What more can we say?

Darrell Royal – Delta Upsilon, University of Oklahoma

As shown above, Coach Royal fratted so hard during his time as a coach at the University of Texas, a tenure that saw three national championship victories, that they had to name the stadium after him to immortalize his achievements.  In yet another example of the leadership abilities of fratdaddies being recognized, Royal served as president of the American Football Coaches association in 1975.

Terry Bowden – Phi Kappa Psi, West Virginia University

A picture is worth 1000 words.

Popularity: unranked [?]