FrattingHard.com

There comes a time in the young fratdaddy’s life when he decides to settle down with his sorostitute of choice and start a long and prosperous life of post-grad fratting.  You may not have reached this point yet, as you are still enjoying the single life of nightly bar hopping and plentiful shacking.  However, this does not mean that you cannot enjoy many of the benefits of wedding season without the added responsibility of actually having to support a family.  In fact, this time of year breeds many opportunities to put on your suit, frat hard for free, and then head back to your normal life.  Wedding season is upon us, and with it comes the chance to frat weddings so hard that it would make Vince Vaughn go home in shame.  In this lesson, we will examine how you can turn every wedding invitation that hits your mailbox into yet another chance to exercise your frat glad.

The Date:  Most wedding invitations you will receive will include the magic words, “and guest.”  Nothing gets a sorostitute nearing the end of her college career in a shacking mood like seeing a couple committed to shacking for life.  This is not the opportunity to grab some freshman arm candy; instead, you will look for a mature sorostitute to accompany you while you frat hard at the reception…you’ll have a great date, and she’ll have dreams of receiving her MRS degree.  Beware, however, of dates that read too much into your invitation.  To avoid this, we advise taking a different date to every wedding on your calendar if possible.

The Outfit:  Often times you may struggle for opportunities in undergrad to show off your more formal frat attire.  Wedding season gives you plenty of reasons to break out the best suits and ties in your wardrobe, and it provides great practice in piecing together fratty dress ensembles that will one day be your staple in the workplace. 

The Reception:  Most receptions thrown for fratdaddy/sorostitute unions will feature one of the frattiest party inventions of all time:  the open bar.  Better yet, the better you know the couple, the more accepted it is to get completely drunktaneous.  The open bar also provides great networking opportunities.  There are few better ways to smooze with champions of business in your area than to share some stories with them at the reception over a scotch on the rocks.  Old fratdaddies love to tell stories about their past frat glories.  Keep and open ear and a full glass. 

The Bridesmaids:  After you get done shaking hands and acting like you’re remembering names at the open bar, you want to scope out how your current date is shaping up.  If it has turned out to be a dud, keep an open eye for the chicks in the ugly, expensive, and identical dresses.  These are the bridesmaids, who are acting happy, but are dying inside from the fact that their pledge sister made it to the alter before they did.  Somebody has to comfort them…it might as well be you.  This is especially important when you go attend a wedding that is held at a resort or other location where attendees reserved hotel rooms for the affair. 

Of course, another key part of wedding season is the bachelor party, which will be explored in our next Fratty Activity Lesson. 

So break out the suit, line up your invitations, and get ready to frat as hard as you would at a fraternity formal.  You’ll have a great time, and the free “refreshments” won’t break your frat tab.

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I just got into medical school / law school / graduate school. Is this fratty?

Doctors, lawyers, and business executives are all fratty occupations and all, except for possibly the business executive, require extra education. Therefore, it is fratty if one must spend extra time on campus in order to one day have a fratty occupation. Just remember to not abort your presumably fratty ways by continuously studying instead of taking part in all the activities you once did on a regular basis as an undergraduate.

What is the appropriate inseam length or short-knee relationship for a fratdaddy?

Ideally, shorts should not extend below three inches above the knee. In the past, your professors have frattabbed by paying tailors to alter shorts to avoid them from appearing as the same length as jorts (jean-shorts), a favorite among GDI’s engaging in hardcore douchebaggery. Inseam measurements will help you the most in your quest for appropriate lengths. Five to seven inch inseams are the best for a fratdaddy of average height. For an example of fratting hard in regards to short length, watch Tom Selleck (Fratty Celebrity of the Month in January) in an episode of Magnum P.I.

What styles of hair are considered fratty?

For an undergraduate, nothing can beat the frat staple of hairstyles, the fratshag (see the dictionary). The fratshag says, “I have a normal, conservative hairstyle yet I frat so hard that I do not have time to waste at a barbershop.” If you are unable to grow a fratshag because of genetics, then try to emulate the hairstyle as close as possible. Since professionalism is a concern in the business world, the post-grad fratdaddy must get their ears lowered at more frequent intervals than his undergrad equivalent. Mostly, avoid the pitfalls that will certainly cause you to have an unfratty hairstyle. If your hairstyle involves a hair-care product, then it cannot be fratty. As we have stated before, shampoo should be the only thing that is ever placed on your hair.

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Bar Belle – Noun: Sorostitute who is known for her tendency to be out at the bars on almost any given night of the week; often provides “Plan C” shacking opportunities

ex. After I became too drunktaneous to speak English to the sorostitutes I was after in the bar Tuesday night, I enamored a Bar Belle with two shots of tequila and a promise of a trip to Krystals.

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You’ve just sold the books you never opened back to the university for beer money.  Your sorostitute of choice is sporting constant tan lines.  The weather’s heating up, and school has wound down…but just because you are no longer in class doesn’t mean that you should decrease your fratty activities a bit.  In fact, the summer provides opportunities to frat hard that don’t come around any other time of year.  In this lesson, we will discuss several options that you should explore in order to assure that the summer air will be filled with fratitude. 

Beach:  Nothing even needs to be said here…the beach affords many opportunities to frat hard, bronze, drink copious amounts of frat water, and observe bikinized sorostitutes in their natural habitat.  All of our suggestions for spring break apply during the summer as well. 

Overseas Vacation:  Is going to the beach too pedestrian to an advanced fratter like you?  Well, then try a beach in France.  Overseas vacations can provide a multitude of chances to give your frat gland a strenuous workout.  For one, you get a chance to meet other top notch fratdaddies and sorostitutes who spend their holiday across the pond.  Next, you will get to sample foods and drinks that you can only find copies of here in America.  Keep in mind, Germany is the home of the world’s finest frat water.  If you want to truly blow those around you out of the fratsmosphere, head to Italy and show off the wine knowledge you acquired after reading our Fratty Activities 301 lesson on wine tasting. 

Rush Parties:  If you leave campus for the summer, you have to be sure to get back in time to attend the events that start the process of grooming the fratdaddies of tomorrow.  I’m speaking of course of the time honored rush party, where, in the words of David Wooderson, “I keep getting older, and the rushee girls just stay the same age.”  She has to learn about shacking from someone..it might as well be you.

The Obvious:  Some summer activities need no introduction or explanation.  You should get in as much of the following as possible:  golfing, tennis, boating, deep sea fishing, drinking, shacking, and other such normal fratty activities. 

In short, you should do all the things you usually do, while using your new found free time to take fratting hard to the next level.  They say that the human body’s muscles grow the most during your sleep.  Summer is the “sleep” that can make your frat gland look like it’s on human growth hormone. 

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Fratio – Noun: the area adjacent to a frat castle (or home of a fratdaddy or fratdaddies) where the grilling of meats, boiling of crawfish, and consuming of frat water occurs

ex.  After the football game, Jim broke out the Elijah Craig, fired up the grill on the fratio, and the sorostitutes from upstairs came down for the post-game meal.

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There will come a time in almost every fratdaddy’s and sorostitute’s life when daddy decides to pull the plug on the funds he has continuously placed into their bank accounts. This time should not be one of panic. Generating your own source of income will provide you with the fratty lifestyle you enjoyed throughout your college career and will finance the opportunity for your future fratlings to frat as hard as you did. Various occupations are considered fratty in nature and will allow one to earn a substantial living. To complement the accumulation of excessive income, the frattiest occupations are those that give a person both power and control. These are important as they help the fratty continue to be in the upper echelon of society, which positions them to continue the fight against global douchebaggery. The following includes, but is not limited to, some of the frattiest occupations known to the frat world (in alphabetical order):

Business Executive

The business executive is easily a fratty occupation. Rarely can you find something more frat than running all or a portion of a major corporation. With respect to living the fratty lifestyle, executive salaries are almost always at high levels and the executive title also includes numerous perks. For example, many executives have so many stock options that the mere exercising of them will make a GDI’s head explode if they were to ever count the zeros from the profit. Also, luxury company cars, business meetings at fine dining establishments or on the golf course, and control over many employees paves the way for one heck of a fratmosphere.

Doctor

The frattiest part of being a doctor is telling others that you are a doctor. Having Dr. preceding your name shows power, money, and lets everyone know that you are an important member of society. Since many doctors are self-employed, they can take time off to hit the links, vacation with their hot sorostitute wife, or engage in other fratty activities. Money tends to find its way into the pockets of most doctors, as GDI’s constantly have health problems due to depression from being a GDI and the threat of spontaneous head explosions.  We also encourage you future fratty physicians to keep a track on all the sorostitutes that you know who are in nursing.  They’re always a good number of them, and they should be kept in mind for when you have your own office and you want to keep its fratmosphere high.

Entrepreneur

There are few things in life frattier than having your name included in the name of your company. The entrepreneur has total control over everything relating to their job, and total control leads to more post-grad fratting possibilities. Similar to doctors, entrepreneurs can take time off to participate in fratty activities while GDI’s are doing all the labor to increase the entrepreneur’s frattabbing ability.  Starting your own company can also lead to one of the frattiest occupations of all:  the former entrepreneur who sold his company for millions of dollars and now sits on his yacht drinking beer and deep sea fishing off the coast of his private island. 

Lawyer

Although many in the general public dislike this occupation, its inherent frattiness cannot be overlooked. Attorneys generate high levels of income, especially when they make partner, and are often very influential members of society.  Being an attorney can also help you continually give back to your fraternity.  Throughout life, many of your pledge brothers will occasionally have run-ins with the law; there’s no better way to blow off steam than to pull off a multi-million dollar merger/acquisition deal and then swing by the courthouse to get a pledge brother a reduced sentence in his DUI case on the way home.  Lawyers who later become judges are even more powerful in that they can sentence a GDI to a frisbeeless jail cell for performing an act of douchebaggery. While some lawyers work excessively long hours, the hours often go down while the money goes up.

Politician

Simply put, no matter which occupation you choose, you can later become a politician.  In fact, we highly encourage this career tract for several reasons.  First of all, as an elected official, you will enjoy a great deal of respect and notoriety.  Second, you will receive a rather paycheck for work done mostly by your aides.  Lastly, after you finish your career in politics, corporations will be knocking down the door to place you on their corporate boards, where you can continue to rake in cash for doing ridiculously little work. 

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There are some sporting events that absolutely transcend frattiness. They are so implicitly frat that their very frat aura causes a high, painful ringing sound in the ears of douchebags within a 500 mile radius. Above just about all others, the two sporting events that come to mind when thinking about this category are the Masters and The Kentucky Derby. We just got done with one, and now the other is upon us.

If you have a chance to go to The Derby, you have a chance to, in one day, take your fratitude up several levels if you play your cards right. The dress, the fratmosphere, the mint juleps, the gambling…everything that a fratdaddy could want is there.

And for you sorostitutes, there is no better way to show your class and charm than to put on one of those huge ass hats and showing the world why you are MRS material.

It’s events like these that separate the truly fratty from the douches in frat clothing. There can be no argument that when one is talking about the “Super Bowl of Frat”, the Run for the Roses has to be near the top of the list.

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