FrattingHard.com

One of the most common questions we get here at FrattingHard.com is, “Can you still be fratty if you have never been in a fraternity or sorority?” The short answer is, “Yes,” although successfully fratting hard will be much more difficult to the non-Greek. This requires several advanced techniques and much research and learning, and is a lesson for another day.

We often are frequently asked the inverse of the question above: “I’m in a fraternity/sorority. Am I automatically fratting?” The answer to this question is, unequivocally, “No.” In a perfect world, all fraternity/sorority members would frat hard; in reality, there is no doubt that the fratty among you have observed other Greeks who frat incorrectly (or even don’t frat at all). Therefore, it is important that we all continue to observe our own frattiness and do all we can to progress our fratvelopment.

In today’s exercise, we will look at a picture from a Greek party; in the instant case, the function appears to be a formal or cocktail. Formals and cocktails are literal breeding ground for frattiness, and it almost takes an affirmative effort to not frat hard in such circumstances. Unfortunately, our subjects below found a way. We will first take a look at the picture, and then discuss what is wrong with this picture.

To start on a good note, we must mention that the gentleman on the right appears to be fratting hard. We can infer from this picture that a tuxedo was not required, and therefore Mr. Right opted to instead spend the time saved by not procuring a tux on more important matters (such as sleeping or watching Monday Night Football). More importantly, his facial expression exudes confidence, but not amazement. Mr. Right has been here before, and he will be here again, so he is therefore able to keep his emotions in check for maximum frat potential. Rounding out his ensemble is a diagonally striped tie, long a staple in the Fratty Man’s wardrobe.

His friend, Mr. Wrong, is a polar opposite. Overdressed, Mr. Wrong appears to have lost his way between Outback and the junior-senior prom. Keeping with this theme, Mr. Wrong and the ladies in the picture appear to all be sporting corsages. This is a high school exercise, and therefore like most things high school in nature is not fratty. Although it cannot be clearly seen in this iteration of the picture, Mr. Wrong also has two earrings in his left earlobe; apparently, Mr. Wrong thought he was on the way to a rave when he accidentally stumbled into fraternity rush. The unfrattiness of this fashion statement transcends a mere frat pas and enters the realm of unabated douchebaggery.

Besides their flowery ornaments, the ladies in this picture appear to be dressed in a satisfactory fashion. However, they descend the stairs of frattiness into the firey lake of pop culture when they choose to post for the picture in the “Charley’s Angels” style. The correct way to pose for a picture at a party in a fratty manner is to place one arm over the shoulder of each person beside you. In pictures of four or more people, one of the subjects on the edge may elect to forego physical contact and lean into the frame, their head and upper torso coming into the picture in front of the next person’s midsection. Any free limb should be used to bring one’s drink into view of the camera. This is a tried and true method of fratty tradition that is not to be altered by any except the most fratastically inclined.

The moral of this exercise is thus: it is vital that you do not let yourself fall into the trap of douchebaggery, douchbagitude, or douchenozzlality when you are in fratty situations. When you succumb to this temptation you waste valuable frat potential and eventually force yourself into a question that no truly fratty person should ever really have to think about: “Should I frat hard or go home?” Don’t wait until it’s too late to start fratting hard. Ingrain fratting hard into your very consciousness until it becomes second nature.

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EDIT: We have recovered a confidential public service announcement that was never aired after government intervention brought on by the disturbingly powerful douchebag lobby. We encourage you to watch this brief informational film before proceeding with the rest of the post.

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The lion devours the gazelle. The owl preys on the mouse. Stingrays establish their superiority over less-than-cautious nature show hosts. It is nature’s law: every species must have a natural enemy.

What, then, is the natural enemy of the Fratty? It is, undeniably, the douchebag. However, unlike the examples stated above, there is a fundamental truth which makes douchebags all the more dangerous to the Fratty. Put bluntly, we often do not know our enemy.

Douchebags come in all shapes and sizes; they run the gamut from the obvious douchenozzle all the way up to the pseudo-fratty. While the former can be spotted from a mile away, the latter may first be confused by novice Fratters with an actual Fratty person. This, of course, makes pseudo-frattys the most dangerous of all the douchebags. At best, one may recognize their telltale signs early and avoid disaster. At worst, they can be brought into the fold where they can systematically drain every ounce of frattiness in a situation. As an exercise of education, we will try to teach you, one of the Fratty, how to identify douchebags. Although this could involve lengthy discussion, we feel it is best to start with some self-education. Therefore, we present this week’s “Douchebag of the Week,” a photo that will allow for visual study of douchebags in action. Try to find the douchiness in the picture yourself first, and then read our explanation to see if you identified all the warning signs.

As a warm up, this week’s douchebag of the week will be posted without further comment. This week’s douche is, in fact, a group of douches that are douching so hard that I can smell the vinegar in the air when I see the photo. Rarely (if ever) will you need to identify such obvious douchebags. However, your education is in its infancy, and it is best to start light and work your way up the ladder of douchebag identification.

Without further discussion, we present FrattingHard.com’s first Douchebag of the Week:

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