Wedding season is upon us in the world of frat, especially the post-grad world of frat. Throughout the summer, fratdaddies and sorostitutes worldwide will join hands in holy fratrimony just to keep it honest because bastard fratlings are frowned upon. Whenever a wedding can be found, you can be sure to find its frattier counterpart shortly before . . . the bachelor party. At this point in the lecture, we could tell you to go home and watch The Hangover and you would have a good understanding of how to have a fratty bachelor party. However, in these tough economic times, we want you to get the full value of your tuition dollars. Therefore, what follows is an overview of what is necessary to have the frattiest bachelor party.

[Note that when we state the "bachelor party," "you," etc., then we are referring to the bachelor himself and each of the party attendees individually and collectively]

Length:
Ideally, a bachelor party will last one weekend, beginning sometime Friday in route to the chosen destination and ending Sunday once you leave said destination. We have selected this scenario for the remainder of this lecture. Additionally, for precautionary reasons, the bachelor party should be at least one week before the wedding. This allows a somewhat reasonable amount of time for wounds to heal (both physically and emotionally), comas to end, court proceedings to conclude, etc.

Location:
The best location for a bachelor party should have the following opportunities: gambling, golf, fine dining, an adequate party scene, girls who pay their way through the Institute of Fratology by dancing without clothing, and a morally casual fratmosphere. One city stands head and shoulders above the rest, Las Vegas, while another stands alone in second, New Orleans. If for whatever reason those cities are not an option for your bachelor party, then several other larger cities offer most of the necessary opportunities to land you in a pair of ‘cuffs at the end of the night.

The Bachelor Party Begins (Friday Night):
It is utterly important to remember the number one rule of a bachelor party weekend: there are no rules. On Friday night, you should gamble, frequent adult establishments, especially those where no clothing is smiled upon, and drink spirits so strong that they would make Jack Daniels dry heave just thinking about them. When you wake up on Saturday, you should have to piece together your Friday. For example, on the Saturday morning of a bachelor party weekend, a bachelor may wake up in an abandoned warehouse, with no memory of how he arrived, tied to a chair with his mouth taped shut. Assuming the bachelor survives the apparent hostage situation, he should thank his fellow fratdaddies for caring enough to allow him to frat himself into that situation. During the weekend, if the bachelor’s Frathoe is set on fire and later pushed into the Mississippi, then that is okay because he will buy another one on Monday. If you accidentally lose all of your honeymoon expenses on blackjack and lap dances, then you know that your future father-in-law will help you out. This is what a bachelor party should be, no rules, and the belief of no consequences.

The Worst Feeling in the World (Saturday Morning):
It’s 11:37 A.M. on Saturday morning. You have been in bed for 1 hour, 47 minutes, and you have only been asleep for 13 minutes. All of the bachelor party should have tee times beginning in 23 minutes. You probably think that the mere suggestion of attempting to play golf the morning after the Friday night of a bachelor party is somewhat absurd. How could you physically swing a club? Also, you vaguely recall trading your clubs in the back of your Frathoe (prior to the fire) to a homeless man for a half of a Krystal just hours before. Nevertheless, you should play golf during a bachelor party. Every moment of the party must be used to frat hard. Golf provides an opportunity to do just that. It gets you out of bed, gives you an excuse to start throwing back the spirits again, and it allows you to frattab. Speaking of fratabbing, your bachelor party round of golf should cost no less than $100 in greens fees alone. Bachelor party rounds of golf costing less than $100 are for poor people who receive government checks.

The Celebratory Dinner (Saturday Night):
The point of the Saturday night dinner is that you have to eat anyway, so why not do it in the frattiest way possible? Reservations should be booked at the highest, most well-regarded restaurant possible. The same dollar figure for golf applies. You should be able to order steak, lobster, and need a spare two hours just to skim the wine list. During dinner is the time to recall fratty stories from the past about the bachelor, such as the time he pounded a Plan A on the hood of a S500. Also, we highly recommend that you reserve a private room. An elderly couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at the next table does not want to hear about the fluid that graced the Mercedes-Benz Star. After the dinner, repeat Friday night above.

The Conclusion (Sunday Morning):
It should take a minimum of a week to recover from a bachelor party. A bachelor party should be the best time of your life that you cannot remember to save your life. The goal should be if your future wife finds out what occurred during your bachelor party, then you do not have to worry about setting up that joint checking account. Remember the number one rule is there are no rules.

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